2025 South of the Border Awards

Player of the year: Jordon Lampard. The one player I could not fault throughout the entirety of this ridiculous season. Defended well, got up the field, scored crucial goals.

Goal of the year: Max Mikkola vs Preston. Yes, there was Manny Aguek's goal from long range against Moreton City. Campbell Dovison's winner against the Bergers in the Dockerty Cup final was the culmination of a whole lot of everything, and we'll always love him for it. But Max's 90th minute winner was a bloody overhead/scissor/bicycle/whatever against a resurgent rival (don't ask why they're rivals) to complete a come from behind win that we won't soon forget.

Best performance: Avondale at home in the Dockerty Cup. The peak performance of the remnants of what we had available at the start of the season (plus Yuzo Iwakami and Brayden Spink, who came on for the former), and we destroyed one of our recent nemeses. There was hardly anyone there to see it, but that was their loss. 

Best away game: Melbourne Knights away. We didn't know yet if we had reached rock bottom, or if we would finally begin to "dig up, stupid". This game would be the turning point one way or another. No striker, so we chucked Lucas Inglese up top. Jack Pope scored his double, and then got sent off, forcing us to play for an hour with ten men. We rode our luck a little, but we got the job done. There was hardly anyone there to see it, but that was their loss. Those who were there knew what it meant.

Call of the year (terraces): You have to go get it, what are you waiting for, Santa Claus to come in on his sleigh? (Gully away) 

Best call (forums/socials): He (Gustav Moller) moved faster to the airport than he did on the park.

Chant of the year: "What's the tent for?". I admit, this is a very biased, very personal take.

Best pre-match/after match dinner location: Patony's. Sad, but true. 

Friends we lost along the way: Con Shomos. George Karantonis. They would have loved the team's revival. I know that Con especially would have loved the Dockerty Cup win.

Barely related to anything stupidity highlight of the year: The complimentary ticket password was "Louvre". If you know, you know. 

2024 South of the Border Awards

Player of the year: Harrison Sawyer. 

Goal of the year: Jankovic's second goal against Olympic FC.

Best performance: I'm going to with the Australia Cup quarter final against Hume. 

Best away game: Preston, and yes, I know I missed it.

Call of the year: Dickface. Just incredibly juvenile.

Chant of the year: More seagulls than fans / more seagulls than fans / South Melbourne's dead / more seagulls than fans

Best pre-match/after match dinner location: The Hungry Jacks at the Collins Street end of Southern Cross Station, but only late at night when they've closed off most of the dining area, and the only customers are the desperate and non-discriminating. 

Friends we lost along the way: Jimmy Armstrong, John Margaritis.

Barely related to anything stupidity highlight of the year: 

The Melbourne Sports Centres Trust staff again not knowing how to turn on the floodlights, and then turning on all the lights at the stadium, even the irrelevant ones.

The student in the undergrad unit I taught this year (yes, I know, I sold out, they drove a dump truck full of money to my house, I'm not made of stone), who thought he could find paid off-field work at NPL Victoria clubs. 

When I was in the lift at work in the Federal Court after having finished working on a matter, and I put my Hellas beanie on before I went outside, and one of the people in the lift who was the subject of the court matter at hand said "South Melbourne Hellas?" and I said "yes", and he said "I'm on the board, and I'm the major sponsor".

Look, it wasn't stupidity as such, but I enjoyed that one night where we could watch the seagulls feasting on the moths attracted to the floodlights.

2022 South of the Border awards

Player of the year: Max Mikkola. South and non-South media people agreed upon Javier Diaz Lopez. Coach agreed. Even I agreed until this morning, then I remembered Max's long throws and goals.

Under 21 player of the year: The Cliff Hussey Memorial Trophy goes to Morgan Evans. Kid did good when called upon.

Goal of the year: Max Mikkola free kick vs Avondale at home for the lead.

Best performance: The come back from 3-0 down to beat Avondale 4-3. And I missed it.

Best away game: Green Gully away in Ballarat, for the novelty of the thing.

Call of the year: The allusion to one of our more famously combustible supporters - who kept it all under control until blowing up in the grand final - to Ned Flanders going off his nut after the hurricane.

Chant of the year: "Swoop the ref!"

Best pre-match/after match dinner location: Lost my public transport travelling buddy this year, so this award almost went into abeyance. But despite the small size of the burgers, The Pickle and the Patty on Clarendon St was pretty good after watching the Dandenong City game on television at the aforementioned former travelling buddy's apartment.

Friends we lost along the way: The "choke like Oakleigh" chant. We had some good times together, but all good things must come to an end.

Barely related to anything stupidity highlight of the year: Accidentally bringing my 2021 media pass to Port Melbourne instead of my 2022 media pass. 

2021 South of the Border Awards

Player of the year: Henry Hore. He did some nice things. More impressively, he managed to escape this hellhole. 

Under 21 player of the year: The Cliff Hussey Memorial Trophy goes to no one. Not one young enough player got anywhere near enough senior game time for me to award a prize this year.

Goal of the year: Harrison Sawyer. That goal against the Bergers at Jack Edwards. It fell on his head/shoulders/neck/back, and barely made it across the line. It was shit. It was glorious.

Best performance: I think Gully away. We actually looked good. We actually went on the front foot.

Best away game: Oakleigh away. Every away game sucked, but they were our toughest opponents, and we didn't lose, so let's go with that.

Call of the year: Shouty Mike making the passionate claim after the penalty shootout win against Oakleigh that I should apologise to Esteban Quintas for my being appalled by Quintas' ultra-defensive style. Make of that what you will.

Chant of the year: "We're gonna win nil-nil." It's apt. Apt!

Best pre-match/after match dinner location: The days of comparatively exotic cheap eats are seemingly behind us. I blame covid, and other semi-affiliated lifestyle changes. So the default winner in another bastard of a year was the social club's calamari salad. Was it pricey? Yes. Was it worth the price? Probably not. Was it easily a few notches above being merely edible? Yes. That's good enough in times like these.

Friends we lost along the way: Griff. If you're out there buddy, I hope you're well.

Barely related to anything stupidity highlight of the year: Winning not one, but two penalty shootouts, on route to a glorified pre-season pseudo-testimonial game for players that weren't even here for that long really, that's going to keep the club afloat for at least a few more months.

South of the Border awards 2020

Earlier this week I put away my heavy winter coat, after having taken out my 2020 media pass from the inside pocket, because at some point everyone - even disinterested bloggers - has just got to admit defeat on there being any more soccer being played this year.

Which, to be fair, I think I'd already done long ago, but it seems like we're getting close to Football Victoria releasing its fee refund policy, if they haven't already - which means that South Melbourne will be one step closer to finalising its own refund policy.

That of course doesn't affect me in any way - I'm no player, nor do I have any children playing. And as for a membership refund? I think I got my $200 worth of miserableness this year, even if we only got two home games. But now to my annual awards, not that anyone deserves anything for this season.

Player of the year: Lirim Elmazi. The easy way out would have been to go for Melvin Becket, but that would have been giving in to the biased social media campaign.

Under 21 player of the year: The Cliff Hussey Memorial Trophy goes to Matthew Loutrakis.

Goal of the year: Brad Norton. From a short corner, with a cross by Melvin Becket. The last thing we did during the 2020 season. The last thing I can actually remember.

Best performance: Eastern Lions at home. Because we won.

Best away game: Oakleigh away. Every away game sucked, but they were our toughest opponents, and we didn't lose, so let's go with that.

Call of the year: Something said by someone about the noted South Melbourne identity "Greeksta", about him having never read a book in his life or some such. Which was a terrible lie, because Greeksta was able to expound at some length on my cameo appearance and other matters in Joe Gorman's The Death and Life of Australian Soccer.  

Chant of the year: I honestly can't remember anything worthwhile on this front.

Best pre-match/after match dinner location: Gains will have to remind me if we went to Thai deli before the Port game, because the experiences of the Indonesian joint (Oakleigh) and the hole in the wall Burmese place in Sunshine (Altona game) were underwhelming in their own way. I regret not getting an ice cream on the way back to Sunshine station now.

Friends we lost along the way: Not so much lost as misplaced, but thanks to COVID19, pretty much everybody. Yes you can see and interact with a good deal with the usual suspects on the old socials, but it's just not the same. 

Barely related to anything stupidity highlight of the year: The one silver lining in this dumpster fire of a year is that it didn't last long enough for us to get dragged into a relegation battle.

South of the Border awards 2019

No one deserved anything for this season, yet here we are.

Player of the year: Jake Marshall. Had to give it to someone, and since barely anyone either played all or most games, or even played consistently well in most games, I'm giving it to the bloke who improved the most from last season.

Under 21 player of the year: The Cliff Hussey Memorial Trophy goes to Ben Djiba. An actual South youth player who won himself a starting position and didn't look out of place in doing so.

Goal of the year: Luke Adams' chest control and volley against Port all the way back in round 3. There were some flukey goals, a couple of nice goals by Gerrie Sylaidos, even some nice team goals, but since we barely had a striker all season, Adams' finish was the closest we'd get. And it was a nice goal.

Best performance: Heidelberg away. We looked like the real deal for half an hour.

Best away game: Also Heidelberg away. Much comedy ensued.

Call of the year: Hume goalkeeper Michael Weier's genuine concern for our emotional welfare when he noticed that we weren't abusing him.

Chant of the year: the cantor at Heidelberg away during the bride and groom's photo. Sorry to everyone else who tried to come up with chants to the tune of 'Guantanamera' or 'Go West', or whatever that very bad Josh Dorron chant out at Dandenong was.

Best pre-match/after match dinner location: Afghan Star in Sunshine.

Friends we lost along the way: A South umbrella I lost at a Catholic community hall.

Barely related to anything stupidity highlight of the year: The People's Champ actually getting the sack from a club. Who knew it could be that easy?

South of the Border awards 2018

As usual, I put in zero effort with these.

Player of the year: Leigh Minopoulos. I was going to give it to Oliver Minatel for his novelty goals and shift into defensive midfield which yielded temporary positive results. Then I was going to give it to Marcus Schroen for being a sort of mid-season boom recruit. But I give the award this year to the guy who showed the biggest heart throughout the whole of the season.

Under 21 player of the year: The Cliff Hussey Memorial Trophy goes to Ben Djiba. It's a shallow pool, again. Though there were numerous young players dropped into the side during the year, and most of them showed something, there were few if any who were given extended time invthe seniro side. But among those who were used, none was thrown into the deep end quite like Ben Djiba, and I give him credit for this - he coughed up the goal in the first ten minutes against Port, but he was nowhere near our worst player on that day, and went on to settle and look like maybe belonged on that field.

Goal of the year: Four way tie between the three goals Kingston scored against Gully in round 26, or Pascoe Vale's equaliser against Hume in the same round.

Best performance: Dandenong Thunder away. Downshill skiing? Maybe, but it was 9-0 and utter domination from start to finish.

Best away game of the year: Bentleigh away. Positive attitude, positive result.

Call of the year: "We should let Sasa coach the first half of games, and CT the second". It almost seems quaint now, but it showed that the team wasn't completely trash.

Chant of the year: I really shouldn't pick any of the perennials for this, but "sack the board" became the standout. Apologies to "Sideshow Bob / Kill Bart", and "call it off!".

Best pre-match/after match dinner location: Even though the MSG lobby says there's no scientific evidence that their product causes the headaches that MSG is rumoured to do, I got a massive headache the day after eating at some Laotian joint whose meal was otherwise very good. So the prize goes to some Afghan chicken place in Dandenong.

Friends we lost along the way: A South Melbourne umbrella. Table service in the social club. Dignity.

Barely related to anything stupidity highlight of the year: South supporters reputedly betting successfully against their own team, exploiting outrageously mistaken odds in order to help fund their own world cup trips.

South of the Border Awards 2017

Player of the year: Nick Epifano. The People's Champ missed the first five games, but was one of the two catalysts - along with Michael Eagar - for our turnaround in form after the poor start to the season. His performances were more even across the season than they have been in the past, and his effort on the defensive side of the game also improved a lot. Here's hoping that this season is a launching pad to an even better season next year.

Under 21 player of the year: The Cliff Hussey Memorial Trophy goes to Matthew Millar. Two years in a row, thank goodness he turned 21 in August so he can't win it again next season.

Goal of the year: Milos Lujic vs Knights at home. Yes it was a great goal, an atypical one for six yard box specialist like Milos, but its timing - after a half where we'd been pretty well outplayed and should've been down 2-0 at least - adds to the magic.

Best performance: against Heidelberg at the Bubbledome. Played them off the park from beginning to end.

Best away game of the year: I didn't go, but apparently the trip to the Gold Coast was pretty wild.

Call of the year: 'Come on Laura, miss it for South!' - me, at former South player Laura Spiranovic as she was taking a penalty in the shoot-out for Geelong Galaxy in the grand final against South. Laura missed.

Chant of the year: A-League or NPL / It doesn't matter to us/ The only thing that really matters / Is South Melbourne Hellas. Honourable mentions to 'Bill Paps is on fire the truth is terrified', and,'Sing us a song you're a Hellas fan', even if only like three of us actually

Best pre-match/after match dinner location: The social club wins by default. It'll have to lift its game next year though.

Friends we lost along the way: The social club count up clock. Smfcboard.com. Paul Henning. :(

Barely related to anything stupidity highlight of the year: I mean, where do you start? Misplaced fingers? Alleged spitting? Players going on holidays during the season? The visa player who spent most of his time in the 20s? Me beating Big Griff on FIFA 15 in the social club by having some random PAOK player's shot dribble underneath Mat Ryan? My image being plastered all over Windsor station by a bunch of kids?

I could go on. But I think the award should go to the West of the Quarry Twitter account, which a few rounds into the season was having a right old laugh at our very poor start to the season, only to see the tables turned pretty quickly.

That awkward moment when you laugh at South for being in the relegation zone a few weeks into the season.

— West of the Quarry (@wotq53) May 14, 2017

At least they admitted their mea culpa. Going to so many of their games this season was almost as enjoyable as going to our games. Too bad that it seems they've got their act together for 2018.

South of the Border Awards 2016

Clearly I put as much thought and care into these things as I usually do.

Player of the year: Nikola Roganovic, who apart from Milos Lujic, almost singlehandedly kept us near the top of the table, and who pulled off two wonder saves in the grand final. Apologies to Milos Lujic, who would have won it any other year.

Under 21 player of the year: The Cliff Hussey Memorial Trophy goes to Matthew Millar. This is especially pertinent once I realised he was only 20, and not something like 23. Apologies to no one else.

Goal of the year: Iqi Jawadi away at Port Melbourne. A goal so good, it destroyed his South career. Marcus Schroen would have won it if he scored from that free kick in the grand final, or from any free kick for that matter, because no one scores from free kicks for us pretty much ever.

Best performance: Round 1, Bergers at home. Maybe I should have picked a game where we didn't win thanks in part to a red card, but good luck finding that game. Apologies to the first seventy minutes or so against Bentleigh in the league - you were scuttled by a) bad coaching and b) losing.

Best away game of the year: Victory away. 'So much to do at Cartmanland, but you can't come' and all that. Apologies to those of you who couldn't get in to that game, and for whom the best away game would probably have been the Heidelberg semi-final I suppose.

Call of the year: The Melbourne Knights fan at Somers Street who abused the officials (who got the relevant offside call and subsequent red card absolutely right, then abused MFootball's commentary team accusing them of being biased because he thought they were working for Greek radio. Apologies to myself for several witty comments made throughout the year.

Chant of the year: '6-5, on aggregate!' You shouldn't hand out such awards to yourself, but desperate times call for desperate measures, and that chant probably saved a few people from going catatonic with rage that night. Apologies to 'thanks for beating Bentleigh' from the grand final.

Best pre-match/after match dinner location: Nasi lemak at Old Town White Coffee. Apologies to the fifty bazillion Korean fried chicken places we went to. No apologies to places that sponsored the club, because you all dropped the ball at some point.

Friends we (apparently) lost along the way:Another umbrella. Maybe Skip Fulton. Possibly West of the Quarry.

Barely related to anything stupidity highlight of the year: Steve from Broady's initial itinerary for his trip to Perth to watch the Socceroos vs Iraq. Unfortunately he came to his senses and avoided creating a sequel to Planes, Trains and Automobiles.

South of the Border Awards 2015

Player of the year: Nikola Roganovic. I thought about this for awhile. Couldn't give it to Nick Epifano. Iqi Jawadi was good, but was he 'meaningless internet award' good? Brad Norton had some good games, Milos Lujic scored a ton of goals again. Andy Brennan wasn't there long enough. But one horror mistake aside, Roganovic earned us a lot of points this season, especially early on when we were not playing particularly well.

Under 21 player of the year: The Cliff Hussey Memorial Trophy goes to Iqi Jawadi, who I thought had a very consistent season, even adding goal scoring to his repertoire this year.

Goal of the year: Andy Brennan vs Dandenong Thunder, you know, the goal that no one saw.

Best performance: All things considered, the demolition of Oakleigh in the Dockerty Cup final was a real standout, especially after the disappointment of the FFA Cup a few days previously.

Best away game of the year: For those that went, I assume Palm Beach. For me, Green Gully away, for obvious reasons. Overall though it was a season where the atmosphere and excitement of the home games really came through a lot more than away fixtures.

Call of the year: Yes I could have gone with any number of Epifano related moments, but my favourite was still the call made at the 2014 AGM, by an unknown person at Tom Kalas: 'You're not going to try and get our hopes up again, are you?'

Chant of the year: Directed to Andy Brennan during the home game against North Geelong. 'Newcastle is broke, Newcastle is broke, stay with South, Newcastle is broke!'

Best pre-match/after match dinner location: There were crepes, pancakes and galettes, some pretty ordinary pub burgers, visits to two different places doing Korean fried chicken, and three trips to Mexican restaurants. The winner though has to be the day Gains and I did banh mi and cannoli on the same day while waiting for the bus to Avondale. If only there was a half decent team in Footscray so we could eat out of there more often...

Friends we lost along the way: My old laptop.

Barely related to anything stupidity highlight of the year: Steve from Broady convincing one of the barmaids at the Limerick to exchange two Heineken scratchies which had won him free hats, in exchange for a rugby ball. I guess you just had to be there.

South of the Border Awards 2014

There were many fine efforts this year, and many memorably moments. This awards ceremony fits into neither of those categories.

Player of the year: Milos Lujic. He scored lots of goals.

Under 21 player of the year: The Cliff Hussey Memorial Trophy goes to Nick Epifano. When his head was in the right space, which was more often than not this year, he was pretty good.

Goal of the year: Milos Lujic's goal away against the Knights, following Leigh Minopoulos' run down the sideline. The comedy answer would have been Stipo Andrijasevic's goal against the Knights.

Best performance: The second half against Bentleigh at home.

Best away game of the year: Werribee away, because of the scaffolding. Yes we had an interstate trip, and more memorable games elsewhere, but scaffolding.

Call of the year: 'Conya' away at Ballarat. As we noted at the time:

After another dreadful call with the requisite whinging by South fans, one of the Ballarat smartalecs yelled out 'stop your sooking', to which one of our own wits replied, 'well at least we get to home to Melbourne after this', which was perhaps a little harsh but seemed a fitting response at the time.

Runner up: Me, when I wrote off the season an hour into round 2.

Chant of the year: 'Scenic ground, some fans' against South Hobart. A neat inversion of the usually derisory chant. It can't all be all farce and hostility.

Best pre-match/after match dinner location: Late kickoffs and unrelated circumstances meant that thus category now includes pre-match eating options. Nevertheless, Thai Deli is always a strong contender and would be right up in contention on most years, but for the serendipity of the moment it goes to that Indian joint in Ballarat that we went to after that game. I forget its name.

Friends we lost along the way: One third of the Public Transport Crew, because we're not cool enough anymore for said person.

Barely related to anything stupidity highlight of the year:Just before the game against MetroStars, under 20s coach Sasa Kolman driving his blue Toyota FJ Cruiser over the top of the concrete barriers on the boundary of the Lakeside carpark, A-Team style.

South of the Border Awards 2013

Hmm. Is it worth doing a season review? Probably not. You can just go back and read about what happened in the usual way.

In a blog full of self-indulgence, this is just about the most self-indulgent of posts. A person who has never played the game, who can barely make out what's going on the field, and even if he could, is usually too apoplectic with rage to make any useful judgments anyway.

Which is just another way of saying it's time for the 2013 South of the Border Awards. For previous editions of this mini-extravaganza, see this link.

Player of the year: It could have gone to Pete Gavalas for his massive turnaround in form. It could have gone to Brian Bran for being our best over the second half of the year. It could have gone to Tyson Holmes for being a thorn in Steve From Broady's side. But this award has never followed any sort of logical decision making process, and we're not about to start now.

Trent Rixon gets my vote in 2013 because when he finally got fit, he showed us not only the form which saw the club bring him over in the first place by scoring several goals, but he also displayed a joyful combativeness up front. For the first time since he made the move from Northcote, he looked like he was actually enjoying being at and playing for South - the highlight being his celebration with statsman Steve from Broady away at Port Melbourne.

Under 21 player of the year: The Cliff Hussey Memorial Trophy (this year selected by Steve From Broady) goes to Baggio Yousif. I'm not going to disagree with that.

Goal of the year: Ljubo Milicevic. Now, unlike last year, there were several brilliant/crazy/timely goals scored in 2013. Andy Vlahos' belter of a free kick at home against Green Gully. Soolsma's free kick at home against Hume City. Holmes' overhead at home against Richmond, or Hopper's excellent control in the away fixture against Richmond. Either of Fernando's goals against Preston in the cup, for the pure emotion of it if not the execution.

But for the way the planets aligned for Ljubo's own goal, I couldn't bring myself to award it anyone else. His return to Lakeside, finally playing for the club he apparently supported as a kid, South down 2-1 due to some comical defending, and the out of absolutely nothing, Ljubo heads it into his own net, and the South fans start chanting his name. It was a lot of a fun.

Best performance: Hmm. The win against Northcote in the Dockerty Cup was pretty epic. The win against Bentleigh away was awesome. But I'm going to go with Green Gully away in round 1. Seriously, I was happy to have the season end right there and then. We killed them from start to finish and nothing went wrong at all. See in you in another 27 years when it happens again.

Best away game of the year: Melbourne Knights semi-final. It had to be something special to beat our first away win at Gully since 233 BCE or whenever it was. Without any intentional disrespect against all the other clubs, that night against our old foe Melbourne Croatia, it felt like we were in a real league, playing against a real team. They even booed our goal! When was the last time that happened? And what a beautiful smash and grab win it was. Pure joy.

Call of the year:
"Hey goalkeeper, you look like a highlighter!" (David, host of SMFC TV), said during the cup match against Northcote, in reference to their goalkeeper's get up of fluoro green jersey and shorts with black socks.

Runners up:

• "There are ten players out there for South called 'cunt' and one called 'Andy' (Vlahos)" (Ian Syson, Southern Stars at home)
• "He went down like he ate a hot dog from Green Gully" (Steve From Broady, during the under 21s game at home to Green Gully)

Chant of the year: "You're supposed to be in church!", Oakleigh home match. There were a couple of other contenders, especially late on in the season, such as:

"Dodgy Asian Betting, Now We're In The Finals!" (Gully final)

and

"Our social club
Does not exist
Our social club does not exist
It's got no door, and no window
Our social club does not exist" (Northcote final)

But the winner had a certain, je ne sais quoi to it.

Best after match dinner location: Man, I missed a lot of these this season, and there were a lot of disappointing affairs here. Chief among the disappointing places were that trendy ramen place on Lonsdale Street (bland, bland, bland), and the deplorable Coconut House (except for the incredible soy milk). So, almost by default, it goes to Thai Deli again, for their Pad Thai. Good to support a local South Melbourne business as well.

Friends we lost along the way:  The Brunswick City souv. Our FFV media pass holder status.  Our position of being somewhere about fifth or sixth in line for news that 'you can't tell anyone, seriously'. I think we're about 23rd in line now, behind the Cypriot peanut man who they don't let in the ground, but still ahead of Michael Lynch. Small mercies and all that.

Barely related to anything highlight stupidity of the year:  We have to go right back to the start of the season. I'd given Gains and Steve from Broady a lift to Green Gully Reserve, as is my custom. Now, we were all in agreement, based on many previous experiences, that you do not eat the food at Green Gully, except possibly the hot jam doughnuts, because even Green Gully couldn't manage to fuck those up, surely?

So anyway, we won the game, we were all happy, and it was time to go home. Now, if you've never driven Steve from Broady anywhere, you should know two things are likely to happen. Firstly, he'll try and tell enough stupid stories that will make you laugh until you black out and crash into an oncoming truck. Secondly, he will pummel you with so many crackpot theories or stupid questions that eventually you'll just ask him to shut the fuck up already.

Well, we hadn't even got out of the car park yet (an ordeal in itself at Green Gully) before he's already worn my patience thin by asking a really daft question. I abused the fuck out of him for doing so, and then he was very quiet all the way home. So quiet, that I actually felt really bad about the whole situation.

Well, a few months later, upon reminiscing about that drive home in a conversation, Steve casually mentions that he wasn't quiet because of the abuse I'd dished out. No, he was quiet on the ride home because he felt sick as a dog, and was very close to throwing up. And why was he close to throwing up? Because against everyone's experience and advice, including his own, he'd had a Green Gully hot dog.

That's your expert food reviewer right there.

South of the Border Awards 2012

Here are my crappy awards for 2012. I'll also be providing forecasts as to the winners of the 2022 season with my Nostradamus like powers based on the assumption that the National Competitions Review as put forward by the FFV gets up and going.

Player of the year: Dimi Tsiaras. Brad Norton could have won it for inexplicably playing more games then everyone sans Peter Gavalas. Luke Byles would have probably won it if I used a week by week voting system. But Tsiaras when he was playing at defensive mid, seemed to add a bit of cunt to the side. More of him in that position next season please, and less of him pinch hitting in defense as was asked of him in 2012.

2022 winner: Alain Prost Montgomery Trent Spoffington de Beaufort, the latest superstar out of the Xavier/Scotch/St Kevins etc 'my parents were loaded and I play football for South Melbourne' program.

Under 21 player of the year: The Cliff Hussey Memorial Trophy goes to Anthony Giannopoulos. Andrew Cartanos showed something in his stints at the end of the season; I liked Matko Budimir more as the year went on; Nicky Jacobs season was cruelly cut short the week after he bundled in the winner against Southern Stars. But bias propels me to pick 'Gia'. Last year his attitude and leadership qualities stank. This year, he's come along in leaps and bounds in both areas, and he appears to be a less selfish player. I was immensely disappointed he didn't get a run at all in the seniors in 2012.

2022 winner : We won't have under 21s by then. In the words of TISM, if you're not famous by fourteen, you're finished.

Goal of the year: 2012 was a very lean year for spectacular goals at South. So in that spirit, the award goes to Anthony Giannopoulos, for his amazing and sadly not caught on camera scissor against Oakleigh. He could have controlled it, he could have headed it, instead he went for the ridiculous and pulled it off.

2022 winner: After a 55 pass build up, James Spanos Junior, Esq. - inspired by watching Alessandro Del Piero during his Sydney FC stint - will nonchalantly curl one into the top corner.

Best performance: I would have said Oakleigh at home, where we dominated 88 of the 90 minutes, but I preferred Oakleigh away all the way back in round two. After getting beaten up for 30 minutes and being behind, we spent a good hour playing blistering football which made us all think we were due for big things in 2012.

2022 winner : It'll all depend on the KNVB methodology number crunchers.

Best away game of the year: Southern Stars. The chaos when Nicky Jacobs scored the winner was fun.

2022 winner: The Battle of Painkalac Dam against the Elwood City Grebes at the Moggs Creek gala day. Can't wait.

Call of the year: Lot of sadly memorable mentions, mostly originating from the mouth of Steve from Broady - 'the things that keep you up at night', 'get it in the mixer', 'what's for dinner'. But the clear winner had to be 'if they were at Northcote, they would have scored that', said by just about everyone, and by me even in cases and places where relevance was minimal.

2022 winner: In order to facilitate a 'fun, safe and positive environment for our children', all wit, including the sarcastic, withering, snide, sly, offbeat, cynical, existential and beatnik, will be prohibited.

Chant of the year: A few to choose from, but 'quack, quack, quack' from the Mighty Ducks takes the win this season

2022 winner: South Melbourne! (clap, clap, clap) South Melbourne! (clap, clap, clap)

Best after match dinner location: Technically, it was a pre-match dinner location, but Thai Deli on Clarendon Street (next door to the abominable Pizza Hut) was fabulous. Hope be there again soon - being closed on Sundays does make it harder to get there though.

2022 winner : Ontbijtkoek paired with Sisi.

Friends we lost along the way: Clarendon Corner, apparently. I wouldn't write them off so quickly though.

2022 winner : There will be no friends, only parents, and even then, only sometimes.

Barely related to anything highlight of the year: During driveway cricket at Southpole's house, bowling alleged cricket superstar Steve from Broady out for a first ball duck.

2022 winner : Sadly, the above will probably still be the highlight of my miserable existence.

South of the Border Awards 2011

Player of the year: Carl Recchia. This was a close run thing in my mind. Considering how many players were absent for extended periods throughout the season, as well as the fact that we used over 30 players during the season, ultimately I had to look for the most versatile, most determined and most valuable player, and Carl was that person this season. With apologies to Zaim Zeneli, who did a good job in goals as an unknown quantity; Jesse Krncevic, who scored lots of goals but could have scored more had he been on the field; and Kyle Joryeff, who I marked harshly last season, but was this season's biggest improver.

Under 21 player of the year: The Cliff Hussey Memorial Trophy goes to Jake Vandemey and Josh Colosimo. Yeah, I know, ties suck. But also, wow, this was hard to pick again. Despite churning through a few young players, not many of them got an extended go, and those that did - Kamahl Ibrahim and Kliment Taseski - didn't impress me all that much - please no more more loaning of young playesr when we have our talent to draw on. Even the under 21s team went through a mountain's worth of players. Injuries and defections

The reason I pick these two lads, is because even though they spent most of the season not even playing for South, and instead participating in a league several notches lower in terms of standard, their willingness to see their tenure at Hobart Olympia as an opportunity rather than as a barrier to their ambitions to play senior football in the VPL. They certainly seemed to provide a positive influence on a previously struggling Olympia outfit both on the field and off it with their professional attitude.

Goal of the year: Kyle Joryeff, against Bentleigh round 2. The obvious choice would be Jesse Krncevic's effort against Northcote, round 22. There were some good free kicks and such along the journey, but Joryeff's control, turn and shot for what turned out to be the winning goal in the game was an early season highlight of mine.

Best performance: Oakleigh away, during the home and away season. We thoroughly deserved the win, and only conceded a goal from a stupid free kick.

Best away game of the year: Purely from a fan's point of view, and disregarding the result and the frankly woeful performance, the semi-final loss against Oakleigh. A good crowd, and South fans created a terrific atmosphere. It was great to have Lefteri back this year as well. Hopefully we see him at plenty of away games next season also.

Call of the year: "Northcote have received so much money from us over the past two years that they should have 'South Melbourne' on the front of their shirts". Probably a bit harsh, but at least it was memorable and more than just a little insightful.

Chant of the year: Maybe I missed some really good ones not being near Clarendon Corner, but I reckon it'd have been hard to top this one. When Ljubo Milicevic had a decision go against him in the home game against Springvale White Eagles, the chant went up 'the referee's an Anglo'. Classic. Runners up were Clarendon Corner chanting my name early in the season, and MCF's effort against Cobram Victory in the Mirabella Cup. "Give me a 'C', give me an 'O', give me a 'B', give me an 'R', give me an 'A', give me an 'M', what does spell? INCEST!" Crude, tasteless, wonderfully oldskool

Best after match dinner location: Look, it has to be during the season proper. Otherwise the Hellenic Club in Hobart would have won this hands down (and even the call of the year for tha matter). But the Hot Space Szechuan Bar in Russell Street makes a fiery but awesome gung po chicken that even manged to stop Steve from Broady from shoveling it down in his usual reckless manner. How about that? Consecutive years of spicy chicken dishes win this title.

Friends we lost along the way: Aussie Disposals blue/white no.2. What a piece of crap umbrella that was. Carked it upon opening against some team or other. Supermercado; don't think we saw him any any game this year. Wherever you are Mercs, please come home, we miss you.

South of the Border awards 2010

Finally we get to the end of this utterly bizarre season marred by everything, and with an AGM and election still to come. I'm not sure how much more I can take, but here goes.

Player of the year: Fernando De Moraes had this sewn up half way through the season. Then Peter Zois did his thing, rescuing us from several beatings. But Fernando was just so good to watch, he brought others into games and even took out the VPL's player of the year award. Zois' defection to Oakleigh had nothing to do with my decision.

Under 21 player of the year: The Cliff Hussey Memorial Trophy goes to Stefaan Sardelic. Under 21s players in the senior squad were incredibly thin on the ground in 2010. Sam Torrens and Sash Vranesevic were the only two outfield players under that category at the beginning of the year, and both departed for more opportunities elsewhere during the season. Sardelic's performance in the Singapore Cup quarter finals though were more than enough reason to give this award by default.

Goal of the year: Fernando's curling shot from outside the box, late in the away game against Bentleigh, giving us a hard fought 1-0 win in the rain and slush out at Kingston Heath. One of those shots you knew was in pretty much instantly.

Best performance: The second leg against Bangkok Glass. No doubt.

Best away game of the year: Oakleigh away. We won, and we had some fun afterwards at the train station with the vending machine. Nothing illegal, mind.

Call of the year: Quack. I'm not sure it actually quacked even once, but whatever,

Chant of the year: I spent a lot of time away from Clarendon Corner this season, for obvious reasons, but the rendition of the Pink Panther theme in loving tribute to Dandenong Thunder keeper Stuart Webster's all pink outfit (except for his black socks) was clever and tasteful. Runner up was the medley of classic chants run through during the last game at Lakeside.

Best retrieval and return of a ball that had gone over the fence: Gains against Sunshine at Northcote. The ball had gone over the fence for a corner. Gains threw the ball gently over the fence, only for it to roll around right into the corner arc, to mild applause from those paying attention. Only for the player taking the corner to adjust the blessed thing anyway. Poor form.

Best after match dinner location: Well, we ended up going to several places during the season - I even went with Steve (aka Chris Griffin) to Subway once, but I never eat there, because if I want an overpriced baguette style sandwich I'll get it from Waffle On in Degraves Street. Es Teler 77, a cheap Indo place on Swanston Street near Melbourne Central wins this because of its Ayam Balado, spicy deep fried chicken served with steamed rice and chicken broth.

Friends we lost along the way: Old Blacky. Rest In Pieces. And Aussie Disposals Blue and White No. 1.

South of the Border awards 2009

Collect and prepare ingredients from February-August. Simmer over low heat for a couple of days. Post and leave to cool on blog windowsill and be ignored by everyone.

Player of the year: Sebastian Petrovic. Even George Katsakis was impressed with his performances this year.

Under 21 player of the year: The Cliff Hussey Memorial Trophy goes to James Spanos. Rare for a player to go through an entire season and not make a single mistake, but he did it.

Goal of the year: Goran Zoric's fourth goal against Preston at BT Connor. Flick, volley, from outside the box, top corner, 7-1, good night nurse.

Best performance over a whole match: Bergers away. Too bad we couldn't score a goal to go with it.

Best period of play during the season: Probably the first 20 minutes of the 2nd half against the Knights at Lakeside. We kinda looked like we could do anything then.

Best away game: Richmond. Good company (except for Psile, who was in hiding from Victorious), good food, good win, and the Pies got up by a point as well.

Best call on the terraces: The old bloke who'd fainted/collapsed at the home game against Hume. When the ambulance arrived and he'd seemingly partially recovered he apparently asked them if he could stay to watch the second half. I was saddened to hear that this person, apparently a member for over 40 years, passed away a few weeks ago. My condolence to his family and friends. I hope I still have the same love for this club in 40 years time.

Chant of the year: Come On Hellas! Forza! Hellas!. Yes it's a chant from 2008, but one which was only chanted with any enthusiasm once the bloke who created it fucked off to Poland.

South of the Border Awards for 2008

Yeah, yeah, time to do this again. Only I, Paul, had anything to do with this list. Except for the under 21 player of the year, which was handed to our own under 21 contributor of the year, Cliff. And his choice was a pretty good one, as well as his footage of our goal of the year.

Player of the year: Nathan Caldwell. Well duh. Put in plenty of effort throughout the year, set up some great chances, snagged a few goals, though he could've had more. Seemed revivatilsed by the arrival of Micky M. If anything, our most consistent player this season, when consistency was an attribute sorely lacking

Under 21 player of the year: Gianni De Nittis. Had a solid season particularly after the arrival of Micky M. Will be amongst the first signings of a Southern Cross team you'd hope.

Goal of the year: Not too many contenders, and some may think Fernando's free kick against Western Suburbs should be a shoe in, but no. The winner is Hamlet Armenian's goal against Oakleigh. Spectacular? No. From a short corner? Yes. 'Nuff said really. Now stop doing them.



Best performance over a whole match: Hmm, tough one. The Knights game at home, thoroughly enjoyed the game, even if we tired towards the end.

Best period of play during the season: Those two goals in two minutes against Preston at BT Connor. Probably.

Best away game: Richmond and Frankston would be right to feel jilted, where it for any other season where we didn't go to Canberra. Read all about it here, minus all the in-jokes that we just can't reprint.

Best call on the terraces: 'Why'? If you were there, you know what I'm talking about.

Chant of the year: Anything to do with this would have won


But best of all was the staccato, Pi O-esque oh. oh. oh. version. It was getting all literary and highbrow there for a sudden.

One last bit of 2007 clearing out

At around about this time every year, people and pundits all over the place start making predictions they will never go back and have a look at. Most say it's all in good fun, but really it's just a dreadful waste of time. Therefore South of the Border will buck the trend and avoid making any list predictions for the coming season whatsoever. It's a hard habit to kick, and South of the Border stands in solidarity with all those who suffer from this disease. What I will do however is hand out way overdue awards for last season. Seeing as this blog did start last year, and the new season hasn't started yet and we're still catching up and all, it's totally allowed.

• Player of the year: Ricky Diaco. The bloke sadly lacked consistent support, but even then he showed he was a class above most of the year. His free kick against Oakleigh is already legendary, but his in-close work was a joy to watch, particularly his skinning of defenders on the byline.

• Youth player of the year: Mitchell Langerak. Young keeper, came in with an unsettled defence, and did a more than decent job. While he still has problems with low balls and coming off his line, his aerial work and his ability in marshaling the defence were very impressive.

• Goal of the year: Ramazan Tavsancioglu against Whittlesea Zebras. Yes we lost this one 3-2, but I cannot do enough justice to the brilliance that was Rama's goal, so I'll let George Kouroumalis' poetry do the rest:

South equalised moments later, with what can be described as a contender for goal of the season by Ramazan. He produced a strong defensive tackle, reclaimed possession of the ball and began to dash up the right hand touch line. After stepping past one defender and spinning past another, he hit a speculative and intentional 35 yard rocket towards the goal, with the ball swinging and dipping into the top right hand corner and over the fully-stretched Gerohristodoulou, sending the South fans into blue delirium.

• Best performance over a whole match: The home win against Oakleigh 5-2. The 2^nd half in particular was an absolute joy to watch. These two teams have turned it on repeatedly in recent times, but that game will be hard to top. Diaco's free kick was merely the cherry on top of a great contest. Sadly South never reached that level of play for the rest of the season.

• Best period of play during the season: The first 20 minutes or so against Heidelberg at home in round 1. Despite the goalkeeping fuck-ups, the team was that shit hot that even the most boring and relentless cynics proclaimed it as an excellent NSL-era standard. Perhaps if we'd won that game things would have gone differently.

• Best away game: Sunshine George Cross. It was rainy, windy, cold, slippery but the dedication of the fans that day (and the win of course) made it totally worth it.

• Best call on the terraces: After we re-took the lead against Oakleigh one wit said, "Hey Turnbull, you didn't even get to finish your smile". Concise, precise, and understated.

• Chant of the year: Colombo's chant at the game against Preston. The police were doing nothing to move the Preston fans from outside the perimeter fence, as they have the power to do so, much to the annoyance of the South faithful. Can't remember the exact way it went, something like "I thought we were major events, why are the skops behind the fence..." there was more to it, of course, but it had this ramshackle rhythm to it that was just off this planet.

Don't forget, Family Day on tomorrow. Jersey Presentation night on Friday. Round 1 away to the Bergers on Sunday week. All which of which hopefully mean the end for now of these time killing pieces.