Exclamation marks flying all over the place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They're big and they're cheesy!

Hi, my name is Michael Lynch, and I'm the chief soccer writer at The Age, the Melbourne tabloid without an online paywall. I'm also the only soccer writer there, but fancy titles are fun and look nice under your staff photo. You may remember me from such South of the Border posts as 'I tweet, therefore I am (a twit)', and 'They don't let me write about second tier soccer, honest injun'.

Over the past few years, I've been given a really rough time by some fans of the Victorian Premier League, mostly bitter wogs and pseudo intellectuals who don't believe me when I say that I love the VPL, and that my editor won't let me write more about it. Some have even suggested that I'm actually dismissive of the entire competition.

Did you know that the word dolma
 comes from the Turkish word for 'stuffed thing'?

But that's just not true! Just look at this 2012 VPL season preview I fought tooth and nail to get into the paper! Check out my in-depth analysis! Knights tipped to struggle! South favourites! Ex-NSL teams still exist! Some players have ambitions of getting out of this urine soaked hellhole!

Notice also how I spend heaps of time talking about the most important part of an ethnic club's existence, namely the delicious food! You can't remember the last time dolmades were served at South? You saying I'm making this stuff up? I didn't even resort to talking about the nut sellers!

Don't tell me bringing different kinds of food to Australia is not the wogs' greatest contribution to Australian society? I thought that's what multiculturalism was all about!

While recommended, a Greek passport is
 no longer necessary for entrance to South
 Melbourne matches. European Union
passports are also accepted. (*subject
to Greece remaining part of the EU.)

Pay attention to the fact that we included a photo of Victory fans instead of anything VPL related! And look at all the compliments I pay towards the old clubs - nurturers of talent, creators of our soccer culture, bad toilets, no women at games!

I also suggest that maybe the FFA should treat these teams better! I don't really talk directly about their current concerns, because they don't really have any, but they do have wounded pride because they're now completely irrelevant entities. And once a year at least, we should pretend that we care.

There, that ought to shut up those morons for another few months. Don't ask me who's going to cover the league for us while I'm on holidays.