Ten blog posts that will probably never see the light of day

In lieu of Kiss of Death's absence this week - and I'm disappointed, because you know KoD would've had something good for derby week, if only they had the time - here's a self-indulgent piece from me instead.

If you think most of what gets put up on here is crap, then you've obviously never seen what doesn't make it to publication, and is just sitting there in draft form waiting for some attention. So here's a list of some of the half baked ideas, poor attempts at humour and victims of 'never found the time to finish', sitting in the South of the Border vault. Thank goodness most will never come to fruition.

1. On Modernity - an earnest, and perhaps over earnest, piece about the whole Against Modern Football movement, and how its faulty nomenclature in particular betrays a self-interested and broken sense of nostalgia. Some of the ideas are rock solid, but when even I choke on the earnest tone of a piece, you know it's best to just let it go.
2. Les Murray as Paul McCartney - a smidgen of an idea at best from several years ago, where I would discuss how everyone hated Les Murray rather than Johnny Warren because Warren, like John Lennon, was dead, and we show a lot more respect to the dead than the living. The article never got very far - just a few hackneyed paragraphs - and eventually I came to despise Murray as much as the next bitter. Good thing then that I never even got close to finishing the piece.
3. 10 possible reasons Peter Kokotis is no longer general manager - Oh dear. A 'humourous' piece, this one is actually complete, but just very unfunny, in the way that a non-humourist like myself writes it and thinks it's funny, and then five seconds after finishing it realises that it's clearly not funny. 
4. Is Blogging Enough? - last year maybe, someone - probably Dean Rosario - had a crack at the thinkers and writers of the Oz Soccer world, especially the bitters. That prompted some brainstorming on my part about the worth, effect and role of blogging and writing on the game as opposed to getting your sleeves dirty in some more traditional, authentic and 'practical' manner. Everything I would have said in the piece would have been in defending what I (and others) do, but these people have their own axe to grind anyway, and besides, who wants to hear writers talk about writing?
5. Match report in Hattrick style - Hattrick is an online football management game whose games, played in real time, are entirely text based. It has its own very particular style of reporting on a game - only significant events are reported, and sometimes there just aren't a lot of them - and I wanted to experiment with adapting Hattrick's style to real world football, and then write about it for Hattrick's internal press site, I tried this once with the 2-2 Southern Stars game from a couple of years ago, with help from Gains while taking notes, but too much happened in that game to make it workable then. I would love to revisit this idea, though it would need a duller game and someone to help me point out the precise players doing significant things.
6. South Melbourne matches or yearly reviews based on celebrity/guest reviewers - Like the Hattrick match report idea suggested above, I would have used the style of particular types of reviewers to liven the experience up for myself. Potential imitations included Robert Christgau (already done sorta in my Heavy Sleeper stuff), David and Margaret and reviews (good and bad) from Amazon customers. This could be revisited as a gimmick at some point, but who knows if I'll ever have the gumption, or the requisite self-discipline.
7. The search for the ultimate South Melbourne player - Born from times when we were in a bad patch and the supporters would twist themselves into ethical knots about what kind of players we should sign (loyal, Greek and Greek Orthodox, not traitorous dogs, young but experienced, and who would play for free). The fact that I couldn't draw did not help this article's case, but as you may well have guessed, that was only part of the issue..
8. It was and always will be our fault - Defeated and defeatist - but still fighting - piece aimed at Paul Daffey of The Age and Footy Almanac. Back in 2010 Daffey had a go, as so many of his ilk have, about how our South has destroyed the Lake Oval, while ignoring the facts that a) South Melbourne footy club left the place in 1981, and b) our South lost its traditional home of Middle Park due to a stupid car race, yet still had a desire to remain in the local area. In the end, the points that I made in the relevant comments section were far better than the apoplectic ramblings I had metaphorically scribbled into the draft page here.
9. Steve from Broady's 2015 Asian Cup diary - No one got into the Asian Cup like Steve, and I mean no one. He followed the Socceroos up and down the coast, watched games from other teams in the relevant cities, managed to squeeze in some tennis and one day cricket along the way, and at one point even make a tray of lasagne. He told me once that he'd completed the first six days, but I haven't seen it, and I'm not optimistic that I'll see the rest either.
10. Annotated review of Tony Wilson's 'Australia United' - I didn't like this book for all sorts of reasons, and I was all ready to put it up a review at some point late last year or the year before - I can't remember exactly when - but I sent it to someone else first for perusal. They said it was good, but mean, and that discouraged me from putting it out. Following a reading of Stewart Lee's autobiography, which included annotated transcripts of three of his shows, I gave the same treatment to my review. I think it actually turned out pretty good (if still self-indulgent), so the reason this isn't getting published here is due to aesthetic grounds rather than content - it needs to be in print to project the full effect of annotations. Sadly, unless something miraculous happens, it'll probably never see a print run.

2015 Asian Cup adventure - Day 7 - A tournament well enjoyed

It's a pity that apparently some of our social betters in the government thought that we couldn't manage to host both the midpoint of a grand slam tennis tournament and an Asian Cup semi-final, but full credit to Newcastle and their state government; in this case, the well worn sporting cliche that 'they just wanted it more' appears to be true.

For those of us who attended every Melbourne based game of the Asian Cup that we could, we got more than our money's worth regardless of where we sat, and yet still left wanting more. The atmosphere in the stadium ranged from the parochial (Australia vs Kuwait), to glorious support for the relative underdog (Uzbekistan vs Saudi Arabia) to the raucous (Iran vs Bahrain). The games, with the odd mismatch noted (Jordan vs Palestine and large portions of Japan vs Jordan) were for the most part highly competitive affairs. The play was unusually free of the cynical diving and time wasting efforts we've come to associate with Asian soccer.

The different teams for the most part, even when they were clearly outgunned talent wise, still sought to try and score, which provided a huge amount of entertainment. Many of the games, while lacking a certain tactical cynicism and occasionally awful and foolhardy defending, at least provided plenty of heady attacking moments to savour. Some of the vision and movement off the ball by almost every team was glorious to watch, and Uzbekistan's perhaps most of all, as they went from dizzily uncoordinated defending to scintillating once touch football in the blink of an eye.

The last game at the Bubbledome for this tournament, the quarter final match between South Korea and Uzbekistan had so much of what made the previous six matches so special. A dominant and vocal number of the better known nation in the stands; enough people at opposite end, whether actual supporters of gleeful local hangers on, willing to add a counter voice; and plenty of neutrals just hoping for a great game. And what a game it was, despite the poor finishing from both sides.

While some people left at the end of the regulation 90 minutes in order to get to a television in time for the Australia game, most of the crowd stayed to watch the rest of the game: the inconsolable Uzbek defender who knew he should have just cleared the ball instead of being daring, and the goalkeeper who just couldn't keep the ball from crossing the line, both of which happened right in front of us; the way the South Korean player who streamed forwards and instead of going into the corner to kill off the game, set up the second goal; and palpable joy on the faces of the two Korean blokes sitting behind us, who were in tears with the result. And to think there are a small band of cynics out there trying to downplay the tournament's meaning, just because it's not the Euros.

We've made the semi-finals, so let's all have a parade
Of course going to extra time made getting home in time for the start of the Socceroos game impossible. Sure, I could have watched the game at a pub or something, but by the time I get home from the city, especially if that game also went into extra time... more annoying was when I got picked up at the station by my dad, I tried putting the radio on to the local ABC station in the hopes of at least an update of the scores, hopefully via a live radio broadcast of this important match, only to find that they were broadcasting Lleyton Hewitt's match instead. Right priorities as one particular member of the Twitterati likes to say; and aside from that, whoever thinks tennis on the radio is a good idea, has serious rocks in their head.

The second half was watched on free to air television, as nature intended, and even enjoyed because of Tim Cahill's heroics rather than anything his team mates managed to achieve, as well as the mostly mediocre Chinese opposition; though having to deal with Andy Harper's public orgasms is something I wondered how people dealt with on a week to week basis. One wit suggested alcohol; another a sort of learned selective hearing due to having children. Neither of those suggestions were much help to me. Anyway, the game won it was time to go the panel in between flicking between the two channels showing tennis, because I am such a huge tennis fan don't you know.

At one point during this panel, the reanimated corpse that is Gerard Whateley compared the Socceroos and/or Tim Cahill to now holding as much prominence and/or adoration with the Australian public, especially children as [Olympic hurdler] Sally Pearson and [Test cricketer] Steve Smith. Now Whateley obviously means this to be a compliment to Cahill and the Socceroos, but there's also a problem with this (perhaps offhand) analysis - and that's the fact that the Socceroos and Cahill have long been in the public consciousness as national icons, more recognisable than Pearson or Smith. Regardless of your thoughts on everything that's happened post-Crawford, the Socceroos' sporting stature has been secure since the Uruguay qualification match in 2005, and Cahill's on field reputation was secured soon afterwards.

What irks me about this issue is the need of certain people in the media feeling the urge to anoint the Socceroos as legitimately part of the elite (and therefore mainstream) Australian sporting pantheon. It speaks more to the fact on how far behind the times they are, and how out of touch with the actual sporting interests of the Australian public they are, than any serious consequences of their commentary. With particular emphasis on Whateley, I've always wondered how he gets it so wrong. I say this after years of watching him on Offsiders, where the end of each show is capped off by him doing the rounds of the horse racing news. And I'm thinking, if it wasn't for the twice yearly let's dress up and get pissed events, horse racing's interest lies only with the group of derros that hang out at the Borrack Square TAB (and their type across the country), and those who because they have smartphones can hide their derro-esque nature behind a mid-price label polo shirt, new pair of khakis and shoes that weren't better off being slung over the top of power lines in front of the house that has drugs in it - because everyone knows that's the like the Golden Arches of drugs.

Having said all that
It's been a tragedy that this tournament has not been on free to air, except for the very limited and delayed coverage. Here's a tournament that was predicted to be a lemon by impossibly conflict of interest affected media man, it's had a lot of goals and excitement, and had much better than expected crowds to most of its matches - crossing boundaries of old soccer, new football and even non-football people - and yet the interest generally has been low in the mainstream media. Outside the parochial Socceroos interest and the actually excellent writing of those in the print media - even from some of those writers I don't particularly have time for - there's been little traction. Now I can complain and cast conspiracies about the media being behind the times (see above), but there's an element of doubt that creeps in as well. Maybe they know something we don't? Maybe they have access to market data that shows that while soccer may have some worth as a niche product, that it's just not big enough to merit mainstream coverage, and that perhaps Paul Keating's dream of Australia seeing itself as being an Asian country is some time off yet. Or maybe it's the soccer people who are so ahead of the curve that it's going to take a long time for the straight and narrow world to catch up.

Saddest thing of all is that it wasn't on free to air for everyone to enjoy. That's the kind of game that wins new fans. #IRNvIRQ #AC2015
— Paul Mavroudis (@PaulMavroudis) January 23, 2015

That Iran-Iraq game was so much fun to watch. It had everything that a great game should, and generated a lot of interest among people on the net, those who had pay TV, and those like me willing to break the law (a massive crime against the human rights of corporations who have paid lots of money to show the game) to watch the game on a live stream. But what of those who don't have pay television? What about the casual sports enthusiast, the one that may actually be won over by a game like that, notwithstanding my personal belief that it's better off seeing a sport at its most mediocre and then being intrigued with it, rather than getting the big pay off. I don't know. I guess I should be glad that I got to see it at all, and that I should be grateful to those members of the American military industrial complex that made such breaches of copyright possible.

2015 Asian Cup adventure - Day 6 - Meh

This was a fairly tedious affair, regardless of some of the quality of players at Japan's disposal. Due to their loss against Iraq, it was a long shot that Jordan would be able to qualify - they would have have to outdo whatever result Iraq was to get against Palestine, and with the overly cautious attitude they came out with, even a workmanlike rather than impressive Japanese side could do the business, even with a couple of disallowed goals. There were times when Japan tried to reinvent the wheel - Honda's awful second half freekick the most notable example - but the few times Jordan got forward, they either dithered or failed to apply the appropriate finishing touch. To their credit, the Jordanians were more expansive during the second half, but I guess they needed to be anyway. It was a relief to me that they were, because it made the second half easier to watch, what with the Japan supporting family constantly leaning forwards to block my view of the north end, and the mother(?) taking many happy snaps of many inconsequential passages of play. The Jordanian end seemed to be made up of a lot of A-League fans having a bit of a laugh, and obviously quite bored in that tried to rip Mexixan wave after Mexican wave; and when the people on the clockwise side had had enough, they switched to going counter-clockwise. Later at Flinders Street, one could overhear some crazy woman having a dumb argument with someone who may well have been Melbourne public transport's famous(?) homeless rapper.

2015 Asian Cup adventure - Day 5 - Fun!

Sydney FC fans in the northern end yesterday, protesting
their Russian owner's management of their franchise.
Attempts to get a translation of the message from David
Warner were unsuccessful. Photo: Gains.

The pre-match festivities were spent drinking beer, in moderation. Once at the ground, my seat turned out to be the best one that I will have for the entire tournament; close enough to be part of the action, yet far back enough to be able to see the chalk on the sideline, and thus berate the Saudi player who paused waiting for the signal for a throw in which never came, and which I even I could see the linesman got spot on. On the issue of officiating, congratulations are due to referee Ben Williams, who managed to turn what seemed like those parts of the crowd ready to enjoy the game as neutrals, into relatively raving lunatic Uzbekistan supporters with some pretty spotty refereeing during the early parts of the second half. No matter, the right result was achieved, with the Uzbeks pulling through. I have to say, this was the most fun match to be at so far for the on field exploits as opposed to fan generated nonsense. Both teams played with an outdated openness of formation and a bygone sense of joie de vivre. Fancy spin moves, flick passes, ambitious through balls, desperate defending - if you wanted pure entertainment over the boredom of modern ultra-scientific football, the Bubbledome was the place to be. Of course it's easy to say that if you're not following a team in the middle of a turgid league campaign, but that's part of the Asian Cup's appeal, is it not? Unless you have a diasporic connection of some sort, or spent five minutes in a transit lounge at an airport located in one of the participating nations, the main thing to hope for is that a) one of the lesser human rights abusing nations does well, or b) that you see some sort of decent spectacle. And on that latter front, I doubt any one of the 10,000 people at the game would have gone home disappointed.

2015 Asian Cup adventure - Day 4 - Slapdash

Crisis? What crisis?
Upon reaching Richmond station, I realised that I had either forgotten to bring my match ticket, or had somehow lost it along the way. No matter; the issue was sorted out at the ticket booth, and no harm was done.

Oh, Palestine! Also, Jordan was there, too.
I think that enough has probably already been said (and will continue to be said) about the political implications of Palestine being at this tournament, and what it means for the members of their diaspora. Most of it, too, will be far more interesting and better thought out than I anything I could come up with.

Some may even consider it trite, given the way the Palestinian national has been covered during this tournament, to even talk about the playing merits of the team itself, and on any front, I'd be the last person who should probably making comment on that. However, it should probably be something that's at least acknowledged in the greater scheme of trying to figure out if Asian football is actually getting better.

As with the previous Asian Cup, the teams which have qualified for the 2015 tournament include two teams from the AFC Challenge Cup, a biennial tournament for developing nations which grants the winner entry to the Asian Cup proper. Last time, it was North Korea and India who won spots in the final draw; this time North Korea and Palestine.

I'm not quite sure how they sort out which teams are classed as 'developing nations', because for North Korea to qualify via this mode twice, while also managing to qualify for the World Cup seems a little nutty. Further to that, how did North Korea manage to be classed as a 'developing' nation when nations like Syria, Hong Kong, Yemen and Singapore were put into the main draw?

Whether it's actually benefited the other nations - India and Palestine - from a playing level is impossible to tell - my guess would be pretty much no, but there are so many mitigating circumstances for the lack of progress for both nations that one can't just expect one major tournament appearance to change a nation's football fortunes.

Would those teams that were put into the main draw and missed out on qualification, and perhaps the tournament itself, benefited from being given a spot at the expense of the developing nations? Looking at Asian football in terms of the sharp dip in quality of the say top eight or ten teams, probably not. Still, I don't  think expanding the competition to 24 teams, as will be the case for the 2019 tournament, will do much good.

As for the game, there were some fairly skillful players out there, but as has probably been noted already, their penchant for naive play and making dumb decisions was plain for all to see. Jordan were more clinical, showing up the gulf in class between a borderline 2nd/3rd tier Asian nation with one somewhere lower than that. It was nice that Palestine scored, though being 5-1 down at the time they probably could have spared a moment to celebrate with the rowdy contingent of Palestinian supporters behind the goal instead of rush the ball back to the middle.

Diminishing returns/Sphere of influence
This game was of course a grand opportunity for the Palestinian people to make some headway in the public relations stakes, and I think it's fair to say they made a reasonable impression, with one major caveat, which I'll get to soon. The Palestinians mostly took up a bay or two in their designated supporter end, as well as being scattered throughout the eastern side. They had a great visual presence, and made a lot of noise, often with the chant 'Free, free, Palestine'. By the end of the game, even the little Anglo kid in front of me was quietly chanting it.

But one has to wonder how much of difference it will make in the long run. This is not to say that the Palestinian fans (and their leftist supporters in the crowd, including the person with the Scottish flag) should not have taken the opportunity provided to them, especially outside the context of a noisy and angry regular protest, where they'd be framed as ethnic agitators. But how many people did they actually reach? And in a way this is not just a question relevant to this game, but the tournament as a whole, in trying to figure out - albeit in an entirely anecdotal and slapdash manner - how much it's crossed over into the Australian popular imagination.

There were about 10,000 people at this game. Many of those would have already been sympathetic to the Palestinian cause, while others would have been just been there for the football at cheap prices. While the attendances across the country have been very good, the coverage of the tournament in the media as a whole has been mediocre at best, I think. Now this is me talking as someone who doesn't listen to commercial radio or even the ABC, and also as someone who doesn't read print newspapers. If I was to judge from what I've seen so far, most of the mainstream television media has been utterly uninterested in the Asian Cup, with the exception of the Socceroos.

So has the tournament managed to connect with non-soccer fans in Australia, or has it been confined to the already established soccer audience? Certainly the A-League audience has turned up, as have soccer people outside that milieu - every game I've attended so far has had plenty of South people - and there has been good diaspora attendance from most of the teams that can muster up said support (regardless of whether individuals in those groups actually have an interest in the game). But I just can't see this tournament as having crossed over outside of those groups.

Going out for a drink after the game, there didn't seem to be any indication that there was this major tournament happening right now. Sure, pretty much any pub that's not strictly catering to an old man 'dishlicker and pot of VB' crowd would have had the Iraq-Japan game on, but how many would have taken an interest, especially if they weren't even really taking an interest in the Australia vs England one day cricket match on the big screen?

In that sense, even if the games were live on free to air, I'm struggling to see them having made much of a ratings splash. Of course that doesn't include the Socceroos games, which have long since crossed over, at least in the public consciousness, as being worth even non-soccer people's time, at least at important moments.

So complaints about the lack of live free to air Socceroos matches almost threatens to become more of a personal complaint. It seems absurd to me, regardless of the need to pay the bills, that our national team is not accessible to the widest possible audience.

Len: Hey, big fight coming up.
Karl: Yea, you wanna come over to my house and listen to round-by-round updates on the radio?
Len: Oh, yeah, okay. Oh, and then after the fight, we can watch the still photos on the 11-o'clock news.
Karl: Not too shabby!

- Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment

After struggling with a laggy and increasingly delayed illegally obtained Brazilian live stream - at one point it was clear from Twitter talk that South Korea had scored, but five minutes later my stream still hadn't caught up to that moment - I gave up, and decided to try and find a terrestrial radio broadcast. No good on that front either, as ABC local radio seemed to have some regular boring programming on and ABC News Radio had only general sports blather, including a chat while with Cricket Australia chief James Sutherland, though it was of them to let us know that Australia had a throw in at one point. So it was off to the the internet again, for the ABC's broadcast of the game.

And while I know that I could have chosen one of many easier options - just gone and searched for the internet radio stream in the first place, or traipsed down to a local pub showing the game (which in reality is not an option for me, as I don't go to pubs by myself) - I just don't feel it should have come down to this. Is this further evidence of the transformation of the game from a working class game to a middle middle class commodity? Possibly. Or is it a demonstration that soccer is big enough to create a valuable niche product (and therefore ideal for pay TV), but not one that's big enough to be worthwhile for free to air commercial broadcasting?

The continuing adventures of Nutmeg the Wombat

Nutmeg engaging in that great Australian pastime "piloting a water vessel after drinking 17 tins". #AC2015 pic.twitter.com/OGIC2shUS2
— Scott Bridges (@s_bridges) January 15, 2015

The best part of the evening was...
... that I managed to get home in time to watch the second half of the Red Dwarf episode with the version of Earth where everything runs in reverse.

2015 Asian Cup adventure - Day 3 - Kill the Buddha

Prologue
I woke up in a foul mood yesterday, which may go some way towards explaining the following post.

Going out for a patented Sideshow Bob 'vigorous constitutional' only made things worse
After finding myself actually enjoying last Sunday's Iran vs Bahrain match, and thus looking forward to the rest of the tournament (at least those parts that I could attend), I decided to look up just for the sake of it who'd be hosting the next tournament in 2019. It turns out that hasn't been decided yet, but one of the bidders happens to be Saudi Arabia.

Saudi Arabia: a nation that does not allow unaccompanied women to do pretty much anything (and of course bans them from attending football matches); a nation that does not allow expressions of any faith other than Islam, and a nation that censors all of its media to the nth degree. And yet how much more advanced are we? Let's use this as an opportunity to blow something minor completely out of proportion. During Tuesday's win by the Socceroos - which I quit watching after we went 3-0 up, because the streams I tried watching the game on became unusable - Tom Juric scored the team's fourth goal, and proceeded to lift his shirt to reveal a message in Croatian/Split dialect/Shtokavian/Serbo-Croatian/Vukovian, which said 'Mama, Tata, Braco' (Mother/Mum, Father/Dad, Brother/Bro - as a believer in the importance of the reader as symbiotic participant in the writing process, I'm letting you take your pick on the formality of the message).

Apparently a minority (or a statistically significant number, depending on who you believe) of people on Facebook and Twitter had a whinge about this - specifically on the fact that the message was not in English - and thus discussion of this filled my Twitter timeline, leading to me making a dick of myself by singling out one person in isolation for semi-confected outrage when it was utterly unfair of me to do so. That person is merely an agent of the problem, not its cause and really, I would have been much wiser parlaying my hard won wisdom into the alternative discussion about ice cream, and how cool was it when you tried to reach for ice creams at the bottom of the fridge at your local milk bar, because they would definitely be the coldest and by definition the best.

The issue remains however, that those who support the National Club Identity Policy (here we go again, boooooooooorrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing) provide a sense of legitimacy to those people in Australian soccer (and by extension Australian society) who use that policy to further their assimilationist ends. Pointing out the fact that messages on shirts other than those things allowed to be put on playing jerseys (whatever that means under our current nightmarish regime) aren't allowed anyway (and liable to be punished by a yellow card and/or disqualification from Australian competitions) is beside the point; neither are offside goals allowed, yet the Socceroos' third goal clearly benefited from a cock up from the officials on that front, and it still counted. Unless you're the editor of an ultra-Orthodox Jewish newspaper, what has been seen cannot be unseen.

The creator of this images wishes to remain anonymous.
I guess I owe them a frap or beverage of their choosing.

Now while 'the few, the proud, the geeky' among us may have the power of furious and righteous indignity on our side, the great mass of the Australian soccer public could not give a fat rat's clacker. Our 'cause', such as it is, is doomed, due to the combination of both a jackbooted bureaucracy acting on behalf of Dear Leader (and a big 'hi' to all my North Korean readers, yes we do have our own 'Dear Leader' who will soon be replaced by his son) and vast consumerist indifference (and here's a question to consider - is apathy better or worse than indifference? Yes, it could very well be a trick question, but Buddhism needs new koans, so here I am offering something for them at least to mull over).

Ideologues are comparatively easy to deal with, if not in the actual reasoning part, then at least the part where you know where they stand. They put forward their beliefs, you put forward yours, and the age old dance of liberal vs conservative gets played out once more. With those whose main goal is a perverse search for a relaxed and comfortable middle ground, for whom the ends justify the means as long as they're not personally adversely affected, there's little you can do. This makes those comments that more or less state 'well, I think people have voted with their feet, and thus this regime must be doing something right' downright infuriating. I can't think of a way in which one would begin to approach this problem, one which is at the heart of Lowy's 'success'.

In a neat coincidence, one of the right wing people
I'm friends with on Facebook put this up on his timeline
yesterday. Being unashamed (proud?) of my physical
inferiority I find myself disagreeing with the notion
put forward in this picture, but as a vivid portrayal of
Mishima's ideology, it looks pretty sweet.

So now that it's clear that our movement is indeed doomed - and if you think it isn't that's great (really, that's not sarcasm), you won't get much value out of the rest of this section, so you can leave now, because this would otherwise be a waste of your time - what do 'I/we/me/us' do? Now Yukio Mishima may have been a right-wing crackpot alongside being a brilliant writer, but at least he believed in something, even if what he believed in was a fanciful version of the past while fully (probably?) understanding that the values he purportedly wanted Japan to re-adopt were never truly realised anyway, and never could be realised. But who among us would re-create Mishima's end - and I stress here for those familiar with Mishima's end, that this analogy is purely metaphorical, and not just because I don't have a kaishakunin - and at least be able to go out in a dignified (albeit in Mishima's and also Seneca's case, very messy), blaze of glory?

The famous Buddhist koan - at least within the East, not necessarily here in the West where we tend to obsess about the sounds of trees falling and one hand clapping - asks us that if we see the Buddha on the road, to kill him, and that goes for Nansen's kitten as well I presume. What then must we as 'bitters' destroy in order to get out of our cycle of romanticism, self-righteousness and self-pity, all while those whom have contributed to our relative destitution continue as they please? Can I even go to my local manoush joint any more, now that they're putting up posters for Salafist speakers? Do any of us have the stomach to transform this movement of five or six people on the internet to become something transcendent and therefore meaningful beyond our little circle? Can our beloved anger become useful, or is our fury, however justified by the circumstances, a hindrance? Is this sense of irrevocable apartness that I feel from the great mass of soccer's support in country a terminal condition? Am I destined to become another one of 'those people', the kind whose support of the national team - which I hitherto held if not as sacred, then at least as separate from the poisonous atmosphere of the current political situation - is reduced either to apathy or bilious hatred?

Saudi Arabia vs North Korea
Approaching the Bubbledome on Wednesday evening I was filled with intense moral quandaries, because both of these nations are evil, and therefore one could not possibly support either of them; and yet there would be people supporting them. Now in the case of the much maligned (sometimes fairly, sometimes not) Iran, this problem could conceivably be ameliorated via the perspective of ethnicity and the affection the diaspora has for the homeland, without necessarily having the tacit approval of any of the policies of said nation state.

For Saudi Arabia and North Korea, this is complicated by all sorts of things. In Saudi Arabia's case, because it's not even a real country as we know it today, just the parts of the Arabian Peninsula ruled by the Saudi family since the 1930s. There were quite a lot of Saudi fans at the game yesterday, but not many women as far as I could tell. Still, the Saudi fans managed to hand out quite a few flags to a lot of people who would probably be revolted with the way that country is run. For the North Koreans, run by an equally hideous regime, there were as far I could tell (or reasonably expect), no actual North Korean fans from North Korea in the stadium. Instead their supporters end at the northern end of the ground was taken up by various members of the Melbourne Victory's active groups.

A good clue towards establishing that they weren't real North Koreans, even from my spot in the good seats, is that the chants (all in English, and all largely taking the piss, eg. North Korea is best Korea, or some such), is that they kept referring to North Korea, which the real North Korea would never do, since they (like the South) consider themselves the real Korea. Speaking of real Koreans, that is people from the Korean Peninsula, there were apparently some in the crowd, I'm guessing sitting well away from the 'North Koreans'.

Told the South Koreans have had their reunification flags confiscated by security. They're here to support North Korea. #PRKvKSA #AC2015
— Joe Gorman (@JoeGorman_89) January 14, 2015

There were also apparently people wearing Kim Jong-Un masks in the northern end, and when security went in to confiscate them, they were jeered by those North Korean sympathisers, who didn't seem to appreciate the gesture made by stadium management towards creating a genuine North Korean experience.

Security moving into the north end for some reason. You'd think the N. Korea supporting hipsters would appreciate the irony #PRKvKSA #ac2015
— Paul Mavroudis (@PaulMavroudis) January 14, 2015

Closer to home in Aisle 4, Row D, we were more concerned with not getting crushed to death by the ceremonial flags hanging off the rafters.

Flag lowering ceremony. #PRKvKSA #AC2015 pic.twitter.com/ZnCmL9N2P7
— Les Street (@official_lesdog) January 14, 2015

As the patrons in the relevant area were moved across into the neighbouring bays without too much fuss, one had to wonder though: what was the cause of the problem? While the half filled stadium (attendance at a touch under 13k) allowed patrons to be moved to adjacent bays, what would have happened had the stadium been filled up, say, for a Socceroos match? And who's going to be held responsible for this debacle?

I think @nutmeg_2015 needs to kick a few arses over this flag debacle #PRKvKSA #AC2015
— Mark Boric (@MarkBoric) January 14, 2015

Of course, because no one was killed or injured, there was also a lighter side to the flag situation.

The flags falling down disruption was North Korea's Peter Hore moment #PRKvKSA
— Mark Boric (@MarkBoric) January 14, 2015

Can you believe that lighthearted comment spiralled out of control into a Bitter vs New Dawn argument? Of course you can, it's the internet.

Now friends, there was also a match being played, and it was pretty damn fun and frustrating to watch in equal measure, as both teams pinged the ball back and forth as quickly as possible. The North Koreans looked the more likely to score in the beginning and they did, but surprisingly perhaps the Saudis didn't collapse in a heap, and actually ran over the top of their totalitarian counterparts, while looking quite stylish at the same, though their finishing could do with some work.

The most bizarre thing about the North Koreans though, apart from their coach apparently being on a direct line to Pyongyang, was the overly physical approach they brought to the contest. They copped a yellow card within the first couple of minutes for a pretty savage tackle, and after a few more bad tackles interspersed throughout the game, they finished it off with a brilliant shirtfront which somehow managed to avoid receiving any sort of card. Of course, if you did that in the AFL these days you'd get suspended.

Epilogue mode stolen from Gillian Rubenstein's Beyond the Labyrinth
If you rolled six or under:

Not that it matters anymore, but where is the social club? Since the only acceptable way to socialise in Australia is with booze, and goodness knows no one can possibly have fun without it, it'd be nice if we had some place of our own to have 'fun'.

If you threw over six:
A week or two before Christmas, someone at Victoria University did a bit of a ring around to all the relevant people (except me, and possibly others who I am not aware of) looking for ways to contribute to finding connections to the Asian Cup so Victoria University's academics could be at the forefront of writing on the tournament, thus reinforcing our reputation as the 'sports university'.

After being included (eventually) via being CCed into an email, I did get a phone call asking me what my expertise was exactly, and how would that fit into what the project was about. Well I tried to put forward what my angle is, difficult as it was considering I don't really conduct interviews, and nor does my research have an utterly direct and completely obvious connection to the Asian Cup, and neither did this person really explain what it was that they wanted, but could I at least email him some examples of my work for him to see.

I did so, and never heard back from him. After looking back at this post, it was probably for the best.

2015 Asian Cup adventure - Day 2 - A Greek in the Persian Empire

Breakfast TV (we've got a long way to go; or conversely, the mainstream media doesn't know what's news and what isn't)

Sports round up this morning on Sunrise: Brisbane tennis, Hopman Cup final, Sam Stosur, drawn test match, BBL/Kevin Pietersen, darts riot.
— Paul Mavroudis (@PaulMavroudis) January 10, 2015

Nine's Today: Steve Smith, BBL, Brisbane tennis, Hopman Cup, Jedinak's fitness, EPL.
— Paul Mavroudis (@PaulMavroudis) January 10, 2015

ABC Breakfast: Steve Smith, BBL, Brisbane tennis, Hopman Cup, Jedinak, yesterday's Asian Cup goals, short piece on Iraqi fans.
— Paul Mavroudis (@PaulMavroudis) January 10, 2015

Now the ever so slightly churlish point about this is that the Asian Cup seems either to have made little to no impact among Australia's sporting public - which the crowds at thus far at least show not to be the case - or that the mainstream press still doesn't get it, and perhaps never will.

Having said that however, the reason I was channel surfing across the spectrum in the first place is because I had not seen any of the goals or action from the previous day's matches. Now of course I could have stayed up late to watch the highlights on the ABC, or could have used an illegal stream (not an option with my internet screwing up, whatever the dubious legalities), and I was also interested in seeing if, or how the local broadbased television services would cover the matter as opposed to just taking the relatively easy way out and looking for highlights online - because the issue is not whether someone already interested in the tournament could find information online themselves, but whether those with at best a passing interest could end up in the position of being unable to avoid it.

'They take hundreds of magazines, filter out the crap, and leave you with something that fits right in your front pocket.'
Then again, highlights packages, whether of a solitary goal in a news round up or in a dedicated program can only go so far. I recall many years ago, back when SBS still had the EPL highlights show and I still had some sort of allegiance to Liverpool. Come Monday evening I would be watching the show, getting high on a sugared up dose of all the good bits minus all the fluff, until one realises that (in my case at least) that there's actually something to be said for the live in the flesh experience itself, as well as all the attendant bits - travel, meet, greet, bad/good food, lining up, atmosphere - that one just doesn't get from watching something on TV.

I say this because I saw some old woman on the train from Flinders Street to Richmond with a copy of Readers Digest, and aside from the horror that they've nabbed another unsuspecting old person to a subscription via their sweepstakes scam, I could not believe that there are people still reading that junk. And it served as a reminder of what the live in the flesh (or whole game) experience of a football match entails; the fact you won't only be served the cherry picked highlights, but also a fair bit of slop. But that slop is what makes the cherry even sweeter when it does come, and provides a more complete experience.

Neutral venue is not neutral
Both around the stadium and at the Corner Hotel (avoid the fish), where several people (me, Steve from Broady, Joe Gorman and Shoot Farken's Athas Zafiris) were spending pre-game, there was already evidence of a very strong Iranian contingent. Not necessarily a lot of football jerseys in evidence, but certainly a lot of colour and excitement, and a fairly even split between the current Iranian flag and variations which were certainly not the current Iranian flag.

Once at the ground and on Level 3 on the eastern side (with the requisite setting sun in the eyes), we (me, Gains and his housemate) found ourselves in the middle of a huge Iranian contingent, who basically dominated that side, as they did the Olympic Park Boulevard end of the ground. Not many, if any, Bahraini fans visible.

Being amid this huge group, I was neither Xenophon on the run to the sea, nor Alexander set to conquer, nor Memnon of Rhodes giving advice that would be ignored until too late, but just a bloke enjoying both the tension on the field and off it. Neither were the Iranian fans hostile in any way, ala the Fearless Iranians From Hell. If anything (and not that I should sound surprised), the vibe was super friendly and reminiscent for me of the following:

Might be an odd observation, but being with the Iranians on level 3 is like being with SM Hellas fans in the Olympic Park east stand #AC2015
— Paul Mavroudis (@PaulMavroudis) January 11, 2015

Now of course as was pointed out in a reply to this statement on Twitter, the Iranian fans did not have their own Lefteri, and the airhorn they had soon got confiscated, but the family vibe and the passion on display sent me instinctually back to the old NSL finals days. Now whether many of the Iranian fans actually had much awareness of what was going on is another matter entirely, as they cheered the several clearly offside goals and went nuts every time their keeper made a regulation save, is a moot point. They were loud, they were passionate, and they were a lot of fun to be around.

I'm not sure any other team's fans will create as good a vibe at a Melbourne game, but the Asian Cup, whether for the on field stuff or off field, has been fantastic so far, and I'm really looking to the remaining five games here. If you do end up at a game though with what's likely to be decent crowd, try and pre-purchase your tickets, as that will save you a lot of hassle on the day.

Some boys take a beautiful girl/And hide her away from the rest of the world
The Iranian theocracy could learn a thing or two from both Cyndi Lauper and the Iranian diaspora.

The actual game itself, because there are no prizes awarded for best atmosphere

Great atmosphere here, but can't wait until #nplvic starts so I can see a better standard of football. #ac2015 #IRNvBHR
— Paul Mavroudis (@PaulMavroudis) January 11, 2015

And while that's certainly a cutting remark to make, the standard for large portions of the game, especially earlier on, was poor. The decision making and first touch of the Iranians in particular was particularly bad (though I liked both wingers for Iran, they had a bit of skill and like to take players on, always good to see wingers have a go). Bahrain seemed to have the better of it initially, and probably should have scored the first goal, but eventually the Iranians came to boss this game.

When Iran eventually did get going, they weren't helped by having Iranian Archie Thompson - and even if it was actually several different players, it's easier and more edifying for the narrative to combine them into one personage for the sake of the joke -  constantly being caught offside. When the opening goal did come, it was worth it, because whether or not it was mis-hit it was a peach of a goal, and that's all that matters in the end.

What was most disappointing was that once they fell behind, Bahrain actually did very little to rectify the situation. This was further emphasised when they went 2-0 down - and really, if this tournament has taught us nothing else, it's that there is genuine value in having someone at the near and far posts while defending set pieces - they remained stagnant, committing few players forward. My hope that the Bahrainis would score two late goals - not out of some desire for vengeance for 1997, because nothing will ever make up for that, but more so for the calamitous emotional distress it would have caused.

To further illustrate the point made earlier
This morning on Sunrise: Federer's 1000th win, Michael Clarke injury concern, Packers beat the Cowboys in the playoffs.

Yes random person on Swan Street who apparently saw my hat, South Melbourne Hellas still exists
- Ζει ο βασιλιάς Αλέξανδρος;
- Ζει και βασιλεύει.

2015 Asian Cup adventure - Day 1 - Self-Perpetuating Nostalgia Blues

Seeing as I have tickets to seven matches of the 2015 Asian Cup (along with Gains and his housemate), all in Melbourne. I really wanted to write something that was akin to the greatness of my World Cup pieces for Shoot Farken, but that's not going to happen. In part this is because if you don't have pay TV, as I don't, the tournament may as well as not exist, but also inspiration just hasn't struck. So instead please enjoy or disregard the following, the usual dose of moroseness.

First stop was the Precinct Hotel to catch up with Steve from Broady, because he reckoned that the Cricketers Arms, where the Green and Gold Army was planning to set up, was a hole. Let's be honest though, the Precinct is also a dump. Eventually we did wander over to the Cricketers Arms - but not before bumping into now former South player Shaun Timmins on the way there - in order to meet up with a South supporter who is not completely disillusioned and/or cynical with whatever it is that the Green and Gold Army is meant to be these days.

Aside from inexplicably watching Australia vs India during the 2011 Asian Cup at the Celtic Club - an event which somehow did not make it to this blog in any form - my one and only other close up experience with the Green and Gold Army was back in 2009, which I wrote up in a hyper jaded manner on this blog. The ensuing years have made it harder to hate the Green and Gold Army though. Stripped of relevance by pretty much everyone, replaced by the one game wonder of Terrace Australia [sic], but still kicking on, who am I to kick a dog while it's down?

I must admit that on face value the Cricketers Arms is perhaps an odd choice for such a meet and greet. Apart from its close proximity to the ground, both the interior and the beer garden out the back were liberally decorated in VFL, AFL and cricket paraphernalia. Apart from re-telling unpublishable South gossip, the only other significant thing to do was to become complicit in someone's alcohol problem. But I suppose that's what going to a pub is all about anyway.

Steve from Broady wanted to head to the ground early for some unknown reasons. On the way there we spotted a suited up Alan Davidson talking to someone, before we crossed over into Gosch's Paddock (named after some long dead Melbourne City councilman) and tried to get a handle on what the pre-match festivities consisted of; as it turned out, it was mostly a handful of tent booths with skill games for the kids, and a merch stand.

Outside the Gate 2 entrance at the Bubbledome, there was ethnic dancing of a sort, though I didn't hang around long enough to notice if it was a generic (or specific) Levantine dabke, or something altogether more Kuwaiti. If it indeed was a Kuwaiti folk dance, one wonders if they'd have been allowed to do it in Kuwait proper, where dancing (among other 'fun' things) is prohibited. And of course, my thoughts turned to the NCIP and all that, before being distracted by the white line on the concourse with the attendant instruction 'no smoking beyond thus point', as if the cigarette smoke and the wind could read, much less care where they would end up. But back to the NCIP for just a moment, how good was it that Asian Cup organising committee managed to choose a meat pie as our national dish? It's one of those things that in reality is almost entirely inconsequential, but because of that in-consequentiality manages to rankle my feathers even more. For the record, I would have gone with stale bain marie dim sims.

Once inside, Steve and I did a lap around the inside of the ground to kill time. I bought a scarf in part because it was going to get colder and the threat of rain, and because my green with one gold star Hattrick t-shirt wasn't going to cut it on that front. We bumped into two fellow South fans as well, which just goes to prove that we're not all Socceroo hating, old soccer Nazis. It was my first Socceroos game for a year and a half, the last time being a forgettable (in that I'd forgotten about it entirely) World Cup qualifier against Jordan at Docklands. The last time I was at the Bubbledome was for a Rebels game. The last time I saw a soccer match at the Bubbledome was for another, earlier World Cup qualifying game against Saudi Arabia. It was interesting to see all the elements of the normal Bubbledome stripped back, by which I mean the sponorship boards, but there was also a very large expanded media space on the western side of the ground. Otherwise it was pretty much the same place.

Now it's true that unless you're shoved into some corner, there are not really any bad seats at the Bubbledome, but it was probably a bit dishonest to class the seats we had as 'category A' seats, considering that we were behind the line of the goal - surely that definition should have applied more strictly to areas including only more central bays. At least we could get a good look at the scoreboard from where we were, which became became more necessary in the second half as the bloke next to me was an unnecessary leaner, meaning that we, too, had to lean forward every time the ball went down toward the Olympic Boulevard end.

Prime Minister Tony Abbott made an appearance and was booed by large sections of the the crowd, unlike the time I saw him make an appearance at Brookvale Oval in 2014. Of course back then he was in his own electorate, and accompanied by a sick child as well. Frank Lowy got a much kinder reception though, except from me. If you're going to have a chip on your shoulder, you may as well be sincere about it.

The opening ceremony was all a bit ho hum, some strange inflatable set up, three artists I knew next to nothing about - one song I recognised from some ad campaign on television - and music played at an earth shakingly loud volume, which jarred with the tolerable volume of the pre-game entertainment before that. It probably didn't help that I was seated right behind some massive pitch side speakers, covered in plastic I assume to protect them from any possible deluge, but because of this also making a huge distorted rustling noise. If anyone can make head or tail of all the people running around and doing backflips and cartwheels, good to you. Opening ceremonies are for television audiences anyway, not for people in the stands with obstructed and only one view of the action.

Would've been a much more authentic piece of Aussie culture if opening ceremony was people running through sprinklers pic.twitter.com/wm2Gn7haFx
— Paul Mavroudis (@PaulMavroudis) January 9, 2015

Oh yes, as warned in an email before the match, there was also audience participation by way of what the organisers called a 'tifo' - which was really getting a coloured card out from the back of your seat and making sure you flipped it at the right moment. We even went through a taxing practice run; taxing in that we flipped the cards several times during that warm up, while it only required one flip during the opening ceremony itself. More on those pieces of cardboard later.

"TIFO" at the Asian Cup... lame! #AsianCup2015 #AC2015 pic.twitter.com/Q1Pc6uOzkz
— Cindy N (@cindyn) January 9, 2015

The first 30 odd minutes was pretty mediocre stuff from the Socceroos, the goal conceded from the corner being the highlight of said mediocrity. A close runner up however was the first corner we took which was played short RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! Aside from whatever irrational hatred I have of short corners, we have this guy called Tim Cahill, who even though he's a self-aggrandising, right wing nut job associating shill, has a magical forehead onto which every lofted ball we can send into the area should be sent to.

Nevertheless, as was expected but not assured, we managed to run over the top of them. As we all rose up to celebrate the Socceroos two first half goals, I got accidentally elbowed in the side after each time by the Unnecessary Leaner in bis excitement, which took the edge off the celebrations for me. Further injury was avoided because for the third goal everyone was standing up in anticipation of the penalty, and the the fourth goal was a such a junk time effort there was no real point in celebrating it anyway.

At half time the sprinklers either turned themselves or were turned on by someone for the same reason (which escapes me at this moment) they were turned on before the match. Either way the photographers had to make a bit of run for it. The second half was entertaining at least as we peppered the goals, but the Kuwaitis were also able to break through the offside trap on a handful of occasions and barring some good work by Mat Ryan in goal, it might have been a tighter finish. Instead the crowd grew bored as the Aussie! Aussie! Aussie! chant started going through the crowds, and the pieces of cardboard used for the opening ceremony were crafted into paper planes. A handful were well crafted enough to make it onto the field; most seemed to make it as far as the space behind the ad boards, while a good few didn't even get that far, managing only to collide with the back of people's heads, reminding me of the time I got hit in the head with a coin at a Victory game.

At the end of the day, the man of the match was clearly the referee, who bucked the trend of all referees being rubbish all the time,  what with having an excellent game all around, especially in not falling for pretty much any of the diving antics of the Socceroos. Remember the days when we were all self-righteous about the diving and feigning of injuries of Asian teams? Well judging from last night's match, that's gone completely out the window now, as we have now become the petulant equals of our region's finest in this matter. Welcome to modern Australian football.

Totalitarian theocracy artefact Wednesday - Saudi Arabia FA pennant

With the Asian Cup starting this week, and what with the Saudis even visiting Melbourne next week to play North Korea (in a totalitarian theocracy derby, how apt), this seemed like as good as time as any to post this piece of history.  Three years ago now, the Saudi Arabian national team used Lakeside as a training base in the lead up to playing what was for them, a must win game against the Socceroos in the course of World Cup qualifying. That stint included a warm up match New Zealand which turned out to be open to the public, a fact however that was announced too late for me to make use of. Anyway, I assume this was presented to us as a token of their thanks to us infidels for using the stadium. Is the drawing of the footballer on the pennant classifiable as a graven image? What about the date palm? I don't know; I'm no theologian. If you're anywhere near me in the good seats during the Melbourne based Asian Cup matches, come around and say hello.

December 2014 digest

Memberships are available
The usual deal. Head here to make your purchase. Support your club. Good to see that entry to all home league and potential Dockerty and FFA Cup games is included.

In...
Dane Milovanovic, most recently of some mob in the Maldives.

and out...
general manager Peter Kokotis. Or at least that's the word on the street. Interesting to see if they choose to replace him, and if so with who. And to think I still haven't managed to get that Yarra Park Aias photo with the team list off him. Score that as a failed KPI target.

and no word yet...
On who'll be keeping for us. Will it be Peter Gavalas? Nikola Roganovic? Chris Maynard? And what about who'll be the technical director. Because you can't have your senior coach also be your technical director.

In case you missed it... 
The fixtures for the 2015 season are out. Here are some of the issues of slightly lesser importance. First, finals are back, which is good for people who get bored when their teams are out of the ruuning five minutes into the season, but bad for those people who hate finals in soccer. Worse, FFV have inexplicably decided to use the A-League top six model, which is a straight knockout affair, with the only benefit to the top two teams being a week off. That just ends up making the finals series even more of a who's in form at the 'right' time of the season lottery.

There's at least a couple of new venues to visit this year as well, of a sort. We'll be visiting North Geelong Elcho Park for the first time (as far as I'm aware) in round 2, and in round 23 we'll be playing at the revamped CB Smith Reserve for the first time (as well as the first time at that venue since the 'why' game in 2008), as Pascoe Vale have moved their senior matches there for 2015. Avondale Heights - who have re-branded themselves as Avondale FC, which I won't use - are listed as playing out of Doyle Street Reserve, which falls well short of the requirements of the NPL for senior matches, so it will be interesting to see how that pans out.

For some inexplicable reason most of our home games are on Fridays, which without a social club seems to be a rather daft decision, but one that's still apparently subject to change. The club even held a survey asking for feedback about preferred times. I reckon Sunday 3:00PM is best. It will be interesting to see what arrangements are made for the home game against Melbourne Knights, which reportedly falls on Orthodox Easter week.

But back to the social club for a moment...
The fashionably late 2014 South Melbourne AGM will be held on Thursday January 29th, at 7:00PM in the President's Room. Unfortunately, your correspondent will almost certainly miss the affair. The reason for this is that around that time I'll be having laser surgery to remove a blister on my non-functioning left eye, which I anticipate will see me out of action for a few days at least. If anyone attending would like to do a write up for the blog, please get in contact with me.

Adelaide trip 2015
Which doubly sucks because it's been said that we'll be going to Adelaide in the first week of February to play one or two games as part of the pre-season, with one of the games definitely being against West Adelaide. Let's just hope they get around soon to booking the tickets and accommodation.

OK, here's the problem
I will be attending seven Asian Cup matches during January, as well as a local academic sports conference, eye surgery and whatever else may come up during January and February. This will mean that I will miss several South Melbourne pre-season friendly fixtures. So I'm looking for people that will be going to these and related events to maybe pitch in and provide some short reports, otherwise the quality of the South related content during January may well and truly suck more than usual. Send all your inquiries to the usual address. Especially keen on someone covering the prospective Adelaide trip.

The house (aka Eddie McGuire) always wins
So the Socceroos won't be training at Lakeside, but rather at the hollow shell of what Eddie 'sometimes I love soccer, but most of the time I don't because it's played by wogs' McGuire turned Olympic Park into. I think Lakeside might be hosting Uzbekistan instead. If someone could get me access to the latter's training sessions, that would be nice.

Some thoughts on getting ahead of ourselves (but not really)
I was going to write some sort of brief spiel about the ramifications of the move away from small markets in the A-League and what that might mean for us, but then I figured that since we're never going to be in the A-League anyway, that the point was probably moot.

Nick Jacobs, Memphis Tiger
An interesting post was recently made on smfcboard - and then followed up by George Kouroumalis on the official site - alerting people to the fact that former player Nick Jacobs, who reportedly retired from soccer following a long lay off with injury, has surfaced in the US playing college football for the University of Memphis Tigers, where he is also studying engineering.

It seems like the guy who used be to the punter for them, the highly rated Tom Hornsey (another Aussie), had been drafted by the Dallas Cowboys (and since released as a free agent), and that Nick has managed to dislodge Hornsey's replacement as the first choice punter.

Good job Nick Jacobs. Every punt inside the 20. One on the 1yd line! @ProkickAus #memphisfootball #aussiesdoitbetter pic.twitter.com/idLIEmRCLh
— Tom Hornsey (@tom_hornsey) September 21, 2014

Jacobs has been averaging around 33 yards per punt (with a season long of 42), which isn't great (I think NFL punters aim for around 45 yards net gain?), but on the other hand Jacobs hasn't had to make too many punts either, which is generally a sign that the offence is doing its job - and those punts he has made have invariably ended up inside the 20.

Now I'm hardly an expert an college football - the bowl election process and the random ways One HD would show games made it terribly confusing - but Memphis appear to be one of the more minor teams in the top NCAA divisions. Still, they've done well this season going from a 3-9 season in 2013 to a 9-3 record in 2014, and even reaching a bowl game, which is a rarity for them and a fair reward for their reversal in fortunes. Their conference record of 7-1 saw them win a a share of the conference championship, their first championship of any kind since 1971.

Memphis won their bowl match against Brigham Young University 55-48 in double over time, a game which also included a massive on field brawl. It was Memphis' first ten win season since 1938.

Mandatory Frank Lowy succession comment
Here are some of the things that are bothering me about this process.

• People using legalistic arguments as opposed to ethical ones in order to justify the potential hiring of Steven Lowy as Frank's successor.
• The continuing and fervent apologia hinting at, or openly appealing to the abstract notion of 'the greater good'.
• The fact that we apparently have such a lack of capable people to call upon in the game that Frank's boy seems to be the 'most obvious' candidate, even as we conduct another patented Australian soccer world wide search.

The moment where FFA does or doesn't choose Steven Lowy as Frank's successor is almost irrelevant. It is the process which allows that to even be a possibility that's a concern. But what to do about it?

Labored analogy based upon an old review of Eels' Daisies of the Galaxy album.
Sometimes I feel like my writing on the game has becomes so insular that I can't come out, and that only the existing members of my hard won and loyal audience can possibly continue traveling with me on this mildly eccentric faux indie ride.

THANK FUCK FOR THAT!

In a forthcoming post about everything (well almost everything) that had happened during November, I was going to ask the question 'WHERE ARE MY (AND GAINS' AND HIS MATE CHRIS') FUCKING ASIAN CUP TICKETS YOU FUCKING CUNTS?' except not like that, but rather more like 'Where are my Asian Cup tickets?', because there's no need to get worked up over it, even though they said September, then October and then when I rang them last week 'if you don't get them by early December, give us a call'. Right.

I was going to go COMPLETELY OFF TAP whatever that means, taking aim at everyone vaguely responsible - the local Asian Cup organising committee, Australia Post, even that bloody wombat named after a spice which can be used in both sweet and savoury dishes and don't you dare tell me that it can't. Tripod said it could in a song about Adelaide being shit, and who are you to disagree?

Anyway, I even speculated that the following would have happened before I got my tickets delivered.

• South will have held an AGM.
• South will have apologised to the Hamiltons and permanently adopted the heritage jersey for away matches, putting it in the constitution and thus making it incontestable.
• South will been granted entry into the A-League, as South Melbourne playing in blue and/or white, and playing all games out of Melbourne and/or Darcy Street/North Hobart Oval/Launceston/Souvlaki Stadium.
• Les Murray's farewell tour will have ended.
• The social club will have been completeda dn ready for use, after officially being opened by Frank Lowy.

But lo and behold, yesterday my dad brought in a waterlogged card saying that I could pick up a package tomorrow at the Duke Street post office in Altona North, and I got very excited. And then after awhile, I kinda thought, 'maybe it's not the tickets. Maybe it's my copy of the inaugural edition of Leopold Method which is being mailed out this week'. Well that killed my buzz a bit, but there was only one thing to do - go to the damn post office and get the package.

And so here we are.

About time these arrived. Paging @stevorch pic.twitter.com/Mrc5w3MHge
— Paul Mavroudis (@PaulMavroudis) November 24, 2014

The envelope was severely waterlogged, the fancy case had some damage on the sides, but thank goodness the tickets - which are moderately attractive - managed to arrive in excellent condition. So, Gains, you can relax now just a smidge. And Steve from Broady, you can keep waiting for your cricket world cup tickets to arrive. 

A measured response to David Gallop's 'state of the football nation' address

The following missive was sent to us by the same writer of last year's popular anti-NPL piece. Feel free to share and comment upon this effort.


Well, I was really looking forward to this when I heard Football Federation Australia CEO David Gallop was going to address the public – but like most things in Australian soccer, and life, it has served to disappoint and reinforce the entrenched power structure to continue on as it pleases. What a great box ticking exercise to get the sheeple in a hype over the start of the A-league season, while at the same time showing the ‘unconverted’ how forward thinking and hip soccer is. Yes, you know that you’re in for a bad read when I refuse to use the word football. I grew up knowing the game as soccer and I’m not ashamed to use that word. If I was as well-heeled as Frank Lowy I might be inclined to get the Skyhooks to do a remake - 'Soccer is not a dirty word' has a nice ring to it. Kind of like Coles teaming up with Status Quo, but I digress, maybe on a further tangent than where Paul Mavroudis has ever dared to venture. Probably not. That guy is wacky in an intriguing kind of way. I’m not. I’m pretty straight up and if you’ve been following my not so infrequent tirades against the (soccer) man you’ll know that what I’m about to tell you is going to be frank, open and in your face. Some of you may not like it, but do I care? No, because the truth is confronting and speaking it is not a crime, should not be frowned upon and is the morally upright thing to do.

Leading into the Gallop ‘speech’ I was thinking to myself which David Gallop would turn up. Would it be the David Gallop that has been polished out of recognition by the marketing department’s copywriters? Those pesky fedora wearing types that sit in a dimly lit room smoking hand rolled pencil thin cigarettes churning out the annoyingly catchy buzzwords that corporate Australia loves to latch onto? What the fuck is robust?

Anyway, it was as I thought. A thoroughly rehearsed, bland and ultimately false-hearted delivery by a guy that is capable of much better. But, you can’t blame him. I mean you can, but I won’t, not just yet. Let’s begin where David Gallop begins:

Everywhere you look at the moment, you can see that Australian football is enjoying a golden period. And it's about to get better. The months ahead have the making of football's biggest ever summer.

We have an unprecedented run of finals, tournaments and big occasions that will see the game of football in the daily lives of more Australians than ever before.

I wouldn’t go so far as to say golden period - but if that’s the way you want to spin it, I’ll let that go because I see through that shit, as do most people – especially the ones that are so rusted on and fanatical about the game that they will watch an exercise in ticking boxes from a soccer administrator.

The game has 1.9 million participants - the biggest of any sport in this country - but we expect to see the football family swell in the months ahead.

David, this is a lie. The FFA marketing department, and you as its mouthpiece, love to bring out this line whenever they get the chance. It’s a good line as well. The biggest participation numbers of any sport in this country. Wow. If only it were true. This number, as you know, is based on the FIFA Big Count where Australia is ranked in the mid 50s. The FIFA Big Count is split into three categories. The first is registered players which National Associations cannot falsify, as you’d know it’s part of FFA’s official reporting to the world body for soccer. The number of registered players in Australia is 435,728. There is another section which is in regards to unregistered players, or players that play socially, in church competitions and other parts of the game such as indoor soccer not under the auspices of the FFA. This is an estimated number put forward by each association and then vetted by FIFA. This number is 535,000. The third and final section relates to officials (being match officials, club officials, registered coaches etc.) – this number is 67,632. This gives us a grand total of 970,728. It’s an impressive number, but the one that really counts is the number of registered participants. That’s 435,728.

All the other numbers are irrelevant. Your recent survey which you commissioned with the purpose of inflating Australia’s participation numbers, because of the age old soccer small man complex that has infected the game in some quarters ever since I can remember is a big fat lie. The FIFA Big Count numbers more than likely have double and in some cases triple counted participants (a person that simultaneously plays for a club, plays indoor or school soccer and coaches, referees or is in a club committee) which is a concern, but how you got to 1,960,000 participants is anyone’s guess. Creative accounting was never my forte. Please stop bringing out this propaganda, because people see through it for the most part, and it’s kind of embarrassing that our own national body craves relevance so badly. This is a good point of reference from a source that is more reliable than a privately commissioned survey designed to reinforce how good you are.

We'll have record-numbers of Australian fans in stadiums watching the Socceroos at the Asian Cup, the Hyundai-A-League's momentous Season 10, the Westfield W-League, which is underway right now, and the final stages of the Westfield FFA Cup and PlayStation 4 National Premier Leagues finals.

Australian football will be on the TV screens in homes, pubs and clubs, in digital channels and social media - and we expect bigger audiences than ever before.

These are all good things and I can’t disagree with much here.

And because of the game's booming profile, the mainstream media will generate more attention than ever before.

Football has a great story to tell, and I thank all the media here today for their interest in telling it to your readers, listeners and viewers.

Read: thanks to the media for getting behind us, you’ve been a powerful ally in propagating our message for the most part.

You can see there are six trophies up here today... three will be won before Christmas, and three after...

The three before are the PlayStation 4 National Premier Leagues trophy, the Westfield FFA Cup and the Westfield W-League trophy.

And the Hyundai A-League Premiers Plate, the Hyundai A-League Championship trophy and of course the AFC Asian Cup.

There'll be all sorts of drama, great football and magical moments before the silverware you see here is held aloft by the winners -- but that's just part of the story.

This exciting period for Australian football is book-ended by two major global events ... the FIFA World Cup in Brazil earlier this year and the FIFA Women's World Cup in Canada next year.

Having the Socceroos and Westfield Matildas at World Cups creates a wonderful halo around Australian football and showcases what it means for Australia to be a part of the world game.

This is one area where any Australian soccer administrator can’t make a mistake and is something 99% of people within the game agree on – that the Socceroos are the single most unifying factor within the sport.

There are other major factors at play to make this a remarkable time for the game.

Firstly, the convergence on the calendar of so many events - from international to the grassroots - and the way they showcase a sport so full of opportunity, optimism and growth.

Secondly, we're seeing the connection between all the tiers of our game come to life - it's closer and more productive than ever before.

This is currently my most hated buzzword coming out of head office. Connection between all the tiers. What fucking connection? There is no connection. There is no promotion and relegation to and from the A-league. Likewise in some states, the new-old NPLs have also entrenched clubs as either ‘elite’ or ‘community’ (two more shit corporate buzzwords that can fuck right off) while at the same time people generally go about their soccer business (playing, supporting, administrating) at the non-A-League level totally oblivious and very much in contempt of any metaphysical connection that you have cooked up on Level 22 in Oxford Street. You talk about connection? There are currently the privileged and the rest. Ten teams (I won’t give them the courtesy of being called a club, because it takes more than a graphic designer with a design brief to create a club) receive a television rights dividend of $2.5M per annum from the FFA to cover player wages and to ensure the sustainability of the league.

Meanwhile, the rest of the clubs up and down the country have to self-finance to field teams in all ages, find sponsors (normally friends or family) and volunteers to work in the kiosks to sell the dim sims and kransky rolls that go into subsidising the costs of the clubs. And when a club like this, run on a totally voluntary basis for the love of the club and by extension the game actually contributes to the greater good of Australian soccer by producing, unearthing and nurturing a player to a high level of quality – he is stolen away by the privileged few at the top, who not only get their TV money, but at the same time get free pickings to any player in the country. And then they sell him off for a big profit while the little club is still selling South Melbourne Dim Sims. What do these clubs that do the hard lifting get? A token mention on Fox Sports about player 'x' coming from club 'y'. Yeah, club 'y' has good 'z' (food). Awesome connection.

The lower tiers of the sport (and by that I mean anything not the A-League) are not there to be servants to the A-League. This is where our philosophies diverge. You have a Head of Community Football, who I thought was responsible for looking into and taking care of everything except the A-League. But no, the God of the FFA, the almighty dollar, dictates that this position is for a person to engage ‘community football’. What does this mean? This means that not a fuck was given by FFA to the plight of anything but the A-League – so much so that the Head of Community Football’s job is to go out and ‘engage’ with these ‘community football’ clubs and basically sell them why the A-League is so good and why they should all jump on board to follow the A-League. So it’s actually not about helping these clubs up, it’s about helping the A-League up while shitting on anything else below. That’s been the modus operandi since day one. You shouldn’t be surprised, but you are a little bit, I know you are.

The success of the Westfield FFA Cup is proof. That's an historic development - the football community is moving as one.

The announcement of the FFA Cup is a welcome one. The Cup has been a good step in the right direction. However, the tokenism of, for example, calling South Springvale a pub team, when most in Victoria know that they have a relatively high budget is pretty disingenuous. On top of that, you keep banging on about the magic of the cup, 'like our very own FA Cup' – like England is the only country in the world to have a cup competition. Australian soccer has gone backwards in some respects - where before we were comfortable within our own skin, ability and knowledge, now we continue to second guess ourselves. The football community is not moving as one. Your number one priority is the A-League, and there are still plenty of people out there that don’t want a bar of it and care deeply about their traditional club, youth development, futsal, the Pararoos and another whole host of ‘agendas’, for want of a better word.

Unity of purpose - too often a question posed about us, rather than an affirmation - is now a strength.

No it isn’t. We don’t have a unity of purpose and I don’t think we ever will because the history of the game in this country is disjointed and I don’t think you stating that we are all on the same page makes it true. Nice words, no substance.

That's why today - on behalf of the football community - FFA is making a major statement on the future of Australian football.

It's time for a National Plan for the Whole of Football that will set us on our way to making football the biggest and most popular game in Australia.

Wait, what you’ve done over the past 10 years was without a strategic plan? Or is it that you’ve realised that there’s more to soccer than the top national domestic division into which you have sunk most of your time an energy as an organisation?

This is not a plan just for FFA; it's a plan for the Whole of Football.

From the five year old playing MiniRoos to the heroes playing for the Socceroos.

From the grassroots of community football to the pillars of the professional game.

For all the stakeholders and all the partners at all levels of the game.

I find that very hard to believe. FFA since its inception, and at the behest of Frank Lowy has been an organisation in a position of absolute power. He wouldn’t have taken it on if he wasn’t guaranteed a tenure, because as we all know and sometimes forget, Mr. Lowy took his ball and ran home in 1987 after his team had already played a match in the national league that year. What people accuse those on the outside today of doing, Lowy did himself in trying to destabilise the game when he didn’t get his way like a petulant little child. Just to prove to you what the FFA thinks about stakeholder engagement – I’ll run through the National Constitution just quickly. Specifically Rule 3.5 relating to Standing Committees. The Directors must establish Standing Committee x, y, z etc. I started to investigate these national standing committees. When I couldn’t find them listed or referenced anywhere, I called Head Office. I spoke to a person in the legal department who relayed to me that the FFA hasn’t had the need or ability to convene these Standing Committees. Oh, OK then. It must be all too hard. So let's recap. The FFA has within its Constitution provisions that it have certain Standing Committees (like the State Federations) that will give advice to the Board on issues that it has been convened under. The FFA decides not to have these Standing Committees at all. And you keep believing that they give a shit about you and your shit opinion.

It's a plan for all the fans who love this game and those who are on the mission with us.

I suppose I’m firmly in the not with ‘us’ camp. It’s OK, I’ve been called much worse before. It’s just disappointing that the FFA thinks they ‘own’ the game, can control its dynamic wishes and ultimately decide who can and can’t be a part of the mission. Seems like my description of the old wog clubs and their disciples, of which I am a proud standard bearer was right – they do see us as a dangerous fifth column.

The need for this plan has become obvious to me after almost two years as CEO of FFA.

I am excited and ambitious for the game, but I've come to understand that Australian football suffers from a "burden of opportunity".

It's the reality we see today - the game has a huge growth trajectory and massive potential, but we don't always have the capital, the resources and the structures to harvest the opportunity.

To put it another way, we have many mouths to feed, but rarely do we have enough to go around.

We could sit and wait for things to change, and certainly the game will continue to grow if we were to continue our current course, but leadership demands more of us at FFA.

I agree to a certain extent, but I am cautious to believe you as you’ve disappointed on a number of occasions, not least of which your recent correspondence with a fellow concerned football administrator. He wrote to FIFA about promotion and relegation in regards to the statutes and the A-League, you cracked the shits when you found out and basically asked him not to write to FIFA but to you. So he did and asked the same question. Your reply was more words with no substance. Basically, there will be promotion and relegation, one day. When is that day? Ignore and talk about something else. These CEOs must have a module at school on how to talk without being pinned down to anything specific. I reckon there is room to make a compilation of AFL journalists asking questions of Andrew Demetriou being answered by the CEOs of other sports. You all speak the same double-Dutch, no pun intended.

The National Plan for the Whole of Football will not be an overnight fix, and it will take longer than the next four-year World Cup cycle.

Yeah, we’ve heard that give us time rhetoric before. National Curriculum anyone?

But we need to start and the first step is to galvanise this generation to address this challenge. I will have more to say later on how we intend to proceed.

First, it's important that we celebrate the State of the Game today, because we are in amazing shape for a sport that was on its knees just a decade ago.

The sport was never on its knees. The national body was broke (none of the States were) and was subjected to various political maneuvering to allow for the messianic complex of the Australian soccer pleb to be fulfilled. Clubs across the country were in better shape overall then, than they are today, especially at the lower levels.

This summer, in the middle of the busiest domestic calendar on record, our nation will host the biggest football event we've ever seen.

The AFC Asian Cup is bigger than anything we've seen since the 2000 Olympic Games.

16 nations, 32 matches in 23 days in five cities. That's big enough from a sporting point of view, but beyond the tournament and the matches, football is bringing the Asian Century to life in our own backyard.

I’m a lifelong soccer fan, and up until recently I didn’t know much about the Asian Cup. Most people couldn’t give a shit about it. It’s not going to capture the national audience like you hope it will, I wish I was wrong but that is the reality of it.

Australians will see Asian football and culture on show. And from the outside looking at us, Asian audiences up to 1.3 billion will see Australia on show.

This is nothing new, of course. Our national teams and Hyundai A-League clubs have been building links Asia for years, especially with Western Sydney Wanderers and their fantastic run through to the semi finals of the Asian Champions League.

The Wanderers' 0-0 draw last night in Seoul leaving them tantalisingly close to the Asian Champions League Final.

Football is leading the way for Australia in the people-to-people connections in Asia.

It's another way that football is once again playing a crucial role in nation building.

I agree, but again, much more can be done. Instead of A-League clubs signing washed up hacks, why not sign a promising Vietnamese player that will forge that link between Australian soccer and Vietnamese soccer, as well as the large Vietnamese community in Australia? This is much more beneficial to the connections to Asia and the future of the game, rather than signing the Mario Jardels of the world.

Our game is inclusive, accessible, multicultural and international - they are the qualities that make Australia such a diverse and successful nation.

I was hoping you weren’t going to give me an opening to bring up the National Club Identity Policy, but now I have to. When the policy was released, you were quoted as saying; “The intent of the National Club Identity Policy is to ensure the game remains inclusive and accessible, not just in the way we organise ourselves, but in how we engage with the community. The very name and logo of a club sends a message about what that club stands for. We want clubs that stand for uniting people through the joy of football,” You may want clubs that fit a neat little box so that the marketing department has a straightforward sell, but imposing your political opinions upon the clubs in your jurisdiction is not your place. So step off.

Secondly, the wording of the policy states as a preamble “FFA acknowledges the multicultural nature of Australia and the valuable contribution that various communities have made to the historical development of football in Australia. FFA also respects Clubs’ desires to acknowledge their heritage and contribution to their local communities. FFA has a responsibility to protect and grow the reputation of the sport of football in Australia and to ensure its openness and accessibility to all Australians.”

No you don’t Davy boy. No you don’t. You can’t have it both ways. Either you embrace multiculturalism, warts and all, or you go down the assimilation path which is your policy in practice, not theory. You say that the name and logo of a club sends a message about what the club stands for – if a club chooses to call itself Morwell Italia to cater for the Australian-Italian community in the La Trobe Valley, who are you or anyone else to say that they can’t or shouldn’t or that their message through their name and symbolism is not to be tolerated? It is a club’s choice to stand for whatever they like. For whatever reason, and this is related to your earlier point, if you don’t fit the bill, your plan is to excommunicate (in some way) those that don’t toe the line. I think you’ve bitten off a little more than you can chew here and I sincerely hope that it bites you, and everyone else that has their dirty fingerprints over it on the arse.

By excluding certain types of personal and collective expression through soccer, you are being the opposite of inclusive. By stopping multicultural communities of Australia publicly displaying their culture is being the opposite of multicultural.

Beyond the sporting, cultural and social links, we're now seeing Asian investment driven by football - the $12 million takeover of Melbourne City by the Abu Dhabi interests, the owners of Manchester City, is a snapshot of our future.

I like to say that "as the world gets smaller, football gets bigger" - our game will make sure Australia is always a vibrant player in sport's global community.

The Asian Cup is a festival of football not to be missed. The joyous scenes of Brazil will be coming to your backyard. Tickets are on sale, so let's "Unite for the Asian Cup".

Blah blah, words, buy tickets, Asian Cup, blah.

Let me share the insights to the domestic game that have me seeing blue sky for the summer ahead...

The Hyundai A-League is on target to set new benchmarks for attendance, TV viewership, digital engagement and club membership.

The aggregate attendance is set to surpass 2 million for the first time.

We're aiming for a fourth straight year of TV ratings growth, to see a weekly viewership of 660,000.

The boom in digital and social channels shows no signs of slowing, with 2 million web users and 1 million followers on social media.

Across the league, club membership is currently 13% ahead of the same stage as last season and on-course to break the 100,000 mark for the first time.

Thanks to the huge vote of confidence from SBS TV, we'll have unprecedented reach and audiences for the A-League with the move of Harvey Norman Friday Night Football to the primary free-to-air channel SBS ONE.

The same is true internationally. New rights agreements in India and Africa mean the weekly reach of the Hyundai A-League will top 300 million across 30 nations and five continents.

Of course, this season will celebrate 10 years with our primary broadcast partner Fox Sports, a foundation investor in the Hyundai A-League.

Fox Sports has covered every game live since day one - and given millions of Australians world-class coverage of the competition.

Tomorrow, the attention turns to the terraces. The Hyundai A-League National Ticket On-Sale gives fans the chance to secure their seat for the big matches in Season 10.

This week, the pre-sale for Sydney Derby was the hottest ticket in town - Wanderers members bought at a rate that outstripped two finals in another code.

The Sydney Derby will sell out once again - so if you want to sample this incredible event, go to www.a-league.com.au/tickets from 9am tomorrow (Friday).

Another blockbuster on sale tomorrow will be the Adelaide United v Melbourne Victory match at Adelaide Oval in round 2.

The fixture was a sell out at Hindmarsh Stadium last season, and we expect a new record Hyundai A-League crowd for Adelaide.

Sydney FC's opening round match against the new Melbourne City outfit is also selling strongly, no doubt driven by the expectation of seeing the Spanish World Cup star David Villa.

It's really pleasing to see so many great Australian players choosing to stay in the competition - it's notable that Mark Milligan, a starting X1 player at the World Cup in Brazil, has chosen to stay with Melbourne Victory.

This is a dividend of the growing stature of the Hyundai A-League.

It's the fastest growing professional competition in Australia because it gives us fantastic football, star players and the best atmosphere you'll experience. I can't wait for the kick off.

As expected, the largest chunk of the address reserved for the A-League. Surprised? I’m not.

Last weekend the Westfield W-League started - again with live TV coverage on ABC TV -- and is heading for a Grand Final on 21 December.

Our finest female players are also on the mission of making the Matildas squad for FIFA Women's World Cup in Canada next May.

One of our top priorities is to appoint a new Head Coach of the Matildas, and that's now just days away.

I don’t want to come off sounding sexist, but the women’s game doesn’t interest me at all. Not that I want it to be hampered or discriminated against, it just doesn’t interest me.

There's a renewed mission for women's football thanks to a $500,000 development grant from FIFA and we're building stronger player pathways for our rising talent.

It’s a nice touch to mention FIFA’s grant, but it’s really a drop in the ocean compared to the funding that the women’s game needs.

The FIFA grant will partly fund nine development officers into the community across Australia.

See above.

Females already make up more than 20% of our participation base and we are forecasting the numbers to grow strongly in the years ahead. It's our big point of difference in the Australian context and we intend to make the most of it.

See three points above.

Right now, we are in the midst of the Westfield FFA Cup Round of 16 and can I say I've never seen a new competition make such an impact on the Australian sporting landscape.

It's not just the romance and upsets of cup football - this is a festival of the Australian game.

From the self-titled "pub team" of South Springvale to the national champions Brisbane Roar, we have a great mix of clubs from across the country.

One of my favourite moments was the Thomas Love goal for Adelaide City that knocked out the Wanderers - whatever else he achieves, Thomas will go down in folklore for that goal.

The magic of the Cup has captured the imagination of sports fans everywhere.

If I may say, I'm so proud of the way FFA has rolled out the Cup in conjunction with the Member Federations, commercial partners in Westfield, NAB, Harvey Norman and Umbro and our broadcast partner Fox Sports.

Yes, give yourself a pat on the back for starting a Cup competition that could have begun in 2005, but didn’t because the FFA wanted to protect the A-League at all costs. Rules still exist in all states that don’t allow any games to be held at the same time as an A-League match, at the discretion of FFA and the local federation. Has everyone forgotten that?

We talk a lot about the strategic objective to connect the grassroots to the professional tier - well; here it is, alive and kicking.

See above for explanation about buzzword ‘connecting grassroots’ et cetera.

Best of all, we have a countdown of dramatic mid-week matches still to come before we reach the inaugural FFA Cup final on Tuesday 16 December.

I can tell you now, other sports would love to have this sort of opportunity, but it can only happen in a game based primarily on skill, not those based on collisions.

Cue crappily veiled troll of other sports. Was waiting for this. A bit of a letdown to be honest.

In the first week of October, the Grand Final of the PlayStation 4 National Premier Leagues will be another chance to elevate the semi-pro tier to the national stage.

OK, how in fact does it elevate them to the national stage? In actual fact, what is the point of the national playoff anyway? You can’t get promoted into the A-League, there is no prize money on offer, your club might get the opportunity to play one or two games in a national playoff once every 7-8 years or so if you’re lucky. Awesome. Can’t wait for South to play in the NPL playoffs again in 2021. Hopefully they’d have invented those wretched hover boards by then.

This year we have clubs from eight state and territory member federations in the play-offs to be crowned NPL champions.

The NPL is the engine room of our player development pathways and - again - a vital connection between local clubs and the national tier.

So far I have counted three. Connection, local losers and national glamour.

So far that's three glittering occasions - the Westfield W-League Grand Final, Westfield FFA Cup final and PS4 NPL Grand Final - all before Christmas.

That's an entree to our national team the Socceroos to take centre stage and seek to become champions of Asia.

Without doubt, Socceroo coach Ange Postecoglou has transformed the team - on and off the pitch - in a matter of months.

The FIFA World Cup showed his strategy of bringing the best young players into the team is quickly delivering results - our team played really attractive football in Brazil.

Already, some of the young guns - like Jason Davidson, Adam Taggart and Josh Brillante - have moved to bigger clubs in Europe.

This is a key part of Ange's plan to rebuild our national team, by fast-tracking our best young players and having more Aussies playing against the world's best, week-in, week-out.

Next month we travel to the Gulf to face the UAE and Qatar and in November we travel to Japan.

Each step advances the cause of the Socceroos and their rebuilding as a national team that truly unites the nation. We saw the journey commence in Brazil, just wait till you see it at home.

What happens on the pitch is the rightfully the main focus of fans and media. What happens behind the scenes is my responsibility.

Let me preface this; personally, I don’t think Ange Postecoglou is a bad or incapable coach. The current bunch of players that we have, and more importantly the ones coming through are incapable of achieving results that mirror or exceed the 2006 World Cup results. Hang on, let’s take a step back and qualify for the next one as a start. I wouldn’t want to be in his position to be honest, not going to be easy.

It's fair to say that the game's governance structures have been a work-in-progress since the reform process of the Crawford report in 2003, and the inauguration of the FFA under the leadership of Frank Lowy in 2004.

Frank Lowy and his board have done so much - starting new national competitions, qualifying for World Cups and joining Asia.

Our chairman's energy and commitment is a source of inspiration to so many people and I want to personally acknowledge his guidance and wisdom.

FFA could not have done this in a decade without the support of so many companies, broadcasters and governments.

At least he admitted (in a long bow kind of way) that the Governance Structures of the Crawford Report were designed in a way to give Lowy absolute control and no threat of a takeover. After that was achieved nothing else was important. Not Standing Committees (see above), not actual accountability…

There are too many to name individually, so you'll see our acknowledgement on the video screens.

I personally thank the leaders of these organisations. They see the opportunity that football presents and we applaud their vision.

Let me return to our major announcement - a National Plan for the Whole of Football.

It's a sign of our confidence in the future and our determination to build on today's foundations - to turn the "burden of opportunity" into an institutional strength and prosperity.

The plan will put the football community at the heart of everything that's important.

If you are a player, a fan, a volunteer, an avid TV watcher - if you are among those who love this game - you are incredibly important to this plan.

And the plan will be critically important to your future enjoyment of the beautiful game.

The scope of the National Plan and some of the key questions for the football community look like this;

In elite player and coach development, I have no doubt we need to overhaul the way we do things. Do we want to see others in Asia setting the standards, or do we want to be the leader?

I don’t think Australia, or any country outside of South America or Europe will be able to develop players to a world standard in house. Why we continue to bang on about this implausibility is anyone’s guess. Our efforts should be centred around a concerted plan in promoting what the Crawford Report wanted to stop (and did) – the player drain of young talented Australian players going to Europe. For the national league this was a bad thing. For the national team, it was great. You have to find a balance and decide which is more important. I think the answer is pretty obvious.

* For our national teams, qualifying for World Cups is fantastic, but do we want to be a contender and challenge the elite nations?

Unless soccer becomes the number one sport in this country and our population grows quickly, only then can we begin to try and be a contender and challenger to the elite nations. Both of those things are out of our control and unlikely to happen.

* Community football is currently a strength in the participation base and our collaboration with our Member Federations. But is it enough to have a model primarily based on clubs and outdoor football when so many people want to play indoor, at schools or just for fun in parks?

So many people do play indoor, in school and just for fun? This statement doesn’t really make sense as the FFA doesn’t receive any income from any of those three activities.

* Facilities are at the heart of our game, but how can we thrive as a sport when the space to play remains a critical shortage?

By lobbying Government for a $1B facilities fund. Without it, it will be left to the clubs to scrounge together the money to get it done, and in that case, it will never be done to the standard needed or in the time-frame needed

* Our national competitions, the Hyundai A-League, Westfield W-League, PS4 NPL and Westfield FFA Cup provide us with a 12-month of the year calendar, but structures, connections and expansion are big questions for our future.What? Connections, again?

* Fan Engagement is the life-blood of everything we do, whether it's in the community, with our major brands or through the many channels where you find football content. But we need to stay ahead of the trend in this digital world if the football family is to remain strong.

Fan engagement = converting people into customers of the A-League above all else. It isn’t a conspiracy, he just said it. Don’t say I didn’t tell you that it’s the FFA’s number one priority above all else. Why have a vibrant 2nd, 3rd or 4th tier that’s well supported when they’ll be considered a threat to our plan to convert every fan of the game into a fan of the A-League. Why not be happy that people are part of the game supporting their club, whether they play or watch in the local league, State league or NPL?

* Commercial revenues are the dividends of a successful sport, but we know we need to do a better job telling corporate Australia about the massive potential if we are to have the resources to deliver on the game's promise.

Every other time I’ve heard Gallop and the FFA speak about this it has been a very rosy picture of moving forwards in leaps and bounds and gaining the confidence of corporate Australia – this is the first sign of alarm in this regard. Interesting development.

* And our governance structures need to be aligned, efficient and ready for the challenge. Every stakeholder needs to know their role and have the trust in others, and that's the starting point of our ambitious thinking.

The Governance Structures were designed with the specific intention of limiting the influence of stakeholders, and now you want them to push your agenda onto those they have influence over? So either toe the company line and you’re a good bloke, or speak up about the massive structural issues within the game and be condemned a trouble maker.

The first phase of the National Plan is to listen to the game's key stakeholders - clubs at all levels and their members, our state and territory Member Federations, sponsors, broadcast partners, governments and stadium managers.

That is rich. This comes only a month or so after the announcement of the National Club Identity Policy by the FFA where they failed to ask a single club about what they thought of the policy prior to its publication. So someone got an idea in their head that we need this policy, went to the trouble of writing it up, presented it to the State Federations and passed it as gospel. Where and who did they listen to in that instance? I can’t see this organisation and its culture changing from being outright belligerent towards anyone with an opposing view to inclusive and listening.

We'll consult individual participants and fans via an online portal that will capture the voice of the people.

I suppose the results of which will not be made public? Definitely not. Because I could easily hire 50,000 bots proposing a variation of the same idea, it being the overwhelming response to the consultation and it still won’t be accepted as what the people want. If it’s not in line with what FFA and Frank Lowy wants, it won’t happen. The whole thing is a sham and a farce and will not be transparent, like everything else they’ve ever done.

The outcome of this national plan will be a road map to guide all the key stakeholders in the game.

To achieve that, we need to align all the game's stakeholders - without unity of purpose, we can't make a difference.

There's no time to waste. We aim to publish the National Plan at the conclusion of the Asian Cup.

And what of it? After it’s published it’ll be another nice piece of paperwork to add to the National Curriculum, Coaching Handbooks and other wastes of time that the FFA has wasted resources and energy on. More actions, less words.

We need to capture the momentum and make the most of our biggest ever summer.

There is no momentum to capture. The game is in a state of flux, and if you can’t see that – we’ve got even bigger issues than what I thought.

We want to see this simple, skilful and safe game played in every backyard, every school ground and every suburban pitch.

Cue second subtle troll.

We'll do that by ensuring our sport is always inclusive, accessible and multicultural.

Cue second hypocritical lie about inclusiveness and multiculturalism. How do these cocksuckers sleep at night?

This summer, the vision will come into focus. We'll see opportunities starting to turn into tangible achievements.

I’m not holding my breath.

We'll see the enormous promise take shape in our competitions week-in, week-out

We will see football looking forward with dreams that can become reality.

We will unite people in the joy of football -- especially this summer.

I just know you can't wait to be a part of it.

We Are Football. Thank you.

OK, that ended with a barrage of clichés that hurt my brain. If it has indeed whipped the plebs into a frenzy of Craig Foster-esque parochialism, I suppose it has done its job – but I, and many others are after a bit more substance and maturity from a body that is responsible for the promotion and regulation of the sport of soccer.