Kiss of Death, Round 3, 2014

Port Melbourne Sharks vs Oakleigh Cannons – Friday 4th April, 8.30pm, SS Anderson Reserve
Port Melbourne showed how pathetic they were last week against South. Again they found themselves leading, yet succumbed to late winners. The Cannons struggled at Goulburn Valley and struggled again against the Bergers last week before getting a last minute winner. This will be an OK encounter I suppose. Crowd will be poor, because quite frankly both teams are skint in that department. On field Port will finally get their first win of the season. Port Melbourne 2 – Oakleigh Cannons 1.

Bentleigh Greens vs Pascoe Vale – Friday 4th April, 8.30pm, Kingston Heath Soccer Complex
Bentleigh had a good win last week at Northcote even though they were 0-2 up on the half hour. Pascoe Vale lost to a dominant Knights outfit 0-2 as expected. Bentleigh will dominate Pascoe from the get-go and this will be a high scoring match. I can’t see them dropping any points to bottom of the table Pascoe Vale. Bentleigh Greens 4 – Pascoe Vale 1.

Northcote City vs Ballarat Red Devils – Saturday 5th April, 3pm, John Cain
Probably the hardest match of the week to pick. Northcote is a rabble with 0 from 2, and Ballarat are playing not bad, but have a lot of improvement. Will this be the shock result of the round? Possibly. To be honest, I think Northcote's small and shitty ground will suit Ballarat's play. Ballarat love small compact grounds. Northcote City 1 – Ballarat Red Devils 3.

Dandenong Thunder vs Hume City – Saturday 5th April, 7pm, George Andrews Reserve
Hume. What a disaster losing away last week to Werribee! Joke of a result which absolutely necked everyone's multis. What the hell is going on down there? Wheels fallen off already, or you guys only play against decent teams? Dandenong had a good win against Green Gully last week and should continue that trend this week against Hume. Dandenong Thunder 3 – Hume City 0.

Goulburn Valley Suns vs Heidelberg United – Saturday 5th April, 7pm, John McEwen Reserve
You know you’re shit when you’re sitting second last and your opponent is fourth last and the only thing separating you is goal difference. HAHAHAHA. Ah fucking hell, you Berger boys make me laugh. You know what, this will also be the upset of the round. The Suns will beat the Bergers and all of Victoria will laugh their tits off. Goulburn Valley Suns 2 – Heidelberg United 1.

Melbourne Knights vs Werribee City – Sunday 6th April, 3pm, Somers Street
The Knights will right a wrong from last week. They will do what Hume should’ve done. They will absolutely bukkake Werribee City and destroy their soul. I am expecting goals and plenty of them. I want the Knights to finish them. Kaman Kroatsia, you can do it fucken! The Knights are hot hot hot, and so are their cevapi. The Knights will be all over Werribee like a rash. From go to woe, it will be all Knights with the occasional counter-attack from Werribee. No Leigh Minopoulos, no Werribee, simple really. Melbourne Knights 4 – Werribee City 0.

Green Gully vs South Melbourne – Saturday 5th April, 3pm, Green Gully Reserve
Booyah bitches! nom nom nom. Last season South won convincingly at Gully. This week South will do the same. Who is Green Gully? Fucked if I know, fucked if I care. South will stretch its legs and show muscle. We shall eat their hearts and pillage their village. There is no escaping the Team of The Century. We are South Melbourne, Team of the Century, no one gets in our way. Last week we visited the shithole that is Port Melbourne. We went, we saw, we conquered as expected. Were we lucky? No. Did we play well? Fuck yeah, bitches, we are South Melbourne, Team of the Century. How good were we, eh? Fucking magic. Jealous much? Ole! Minute with Mala absolutely sick! FML where did I leave my meds? Green Gully 0 – South Melbourne 3.