The Sound of Fear - Hume City 3 South Melbourne 2

This is no way to live. Yes, there's a pandemic on, and we're in and out of lockdowns, and that sucks. But along with that, watching this South team is hard work, and that's saying something, because being a South fan for the last (insert your own timeframe) has been hard enough work as it is. 

What is of greater concern, and I've said this a number of times before, is just how long can our remaining people endure this? And I mean all of this. The lockdowns, the watching the games at home, the watching a team that, in all honestly, has scarcely looked like winning a game in the last two or three months when they've actually been allowed to play. And beyond, the lack of any hope on the horizon.

Massive apologies to those who are still clinging on to the hope that a second division will be created, that we'll get in, and the entire future of the club will turned around for the better.

We've had lean periods before; apart from the inexplicable non-losing (as opposed to winning) run at the start of the 2021 season, it's been pretty damn lean on the good times front since late January 2018. Only some of that can be put down to sacking Taylor, because we've also hired coaches who weren't up to it, and the money's drying up, and we're playing youth, and we do things like sign only one striker, and a million other things on top of that.

What was troubling about last Wednesday night was the utter cluelessness. I mean, there was an opponent that we could take on, and that was defensively suspect, and that we even punished on a couple of occasions that we got forward on the night. But the first instinct which has been drummed into the squad is fear and trepidation, so it looks like even when we are good, even when we manage to score more than one goal, I don't think any of our honest fans thinks we're going to win a game.

And that's really sad, this idea that we can only feel safe about winning a game if we take the lead by breaking the deadlock with a couple of minutes left to play. So Henry Hore scores a goal within 15 seconds of kickoff and all I can think of is, great, how are we going to lose this now. And I'm not thinking it in a classically doomist, typically contrarian manner - you know, my signature pessimist schtick - but rather because it has been beaten into us by the entire method that this team has been built on

Now there's no guarantee of success in this business no matter how much money you chuck at the problem, and in any given year there's going to be one league winner, one cup winner (sometimes the same team), and twelve teams which have pissed their time and money up the wall for no gain at all, except for the players who get overpaid for their time considering no club gets close to making its money back at the gate. 

And yes, haha, we're all idiots for watching this stuff, and it's hilarious, except when it comes to the point where it's not. Shared joy is shared, shared grief is shared, but shared indifference doesn't really exist. You can't not care together, because not caring exists on the level of the individual; and if we're all individuals watching this club, then I don't know what it is, but it's not a club anymore. 

The price of long-term and widespread indifference is death, and boy is there a lot of indifference about at the moment. Even worse, when people deign to complain about the obvious sub-par performance and joylessness of the team, apparently that's a bridge too far for some people. Well, fine. They're entitled to their opinion, too, I suppose, even if they don't think you're entitled to yours. 

Watching the team this season, when we have been able to, has not been a completely joyous experience, but it's not meant to be. But it is meant to be something you as a South fan would like to do. You shouldn't even be thinking, "am I emotionally connected to this?". But all I can see when I do go to games is increasing rationalisation of the experience, instead of just feeling the experience. There's a lot more trying to understand why we're here, instead, of merely taking it for granted that everyone who's left wants to be there.

Everyone's process for going to South games is a bit different. Some eschew away games entirely, some people have other commitments that also need to be met, and which may take precedence. My experience is as follows. I go to South Melbourne senior men's team games, as many as I can reasonably get to. The team's fixtured matches are inserted manually into my crappy phone's calendar when the fixtures are released, and modified as the season progresses and changes are made. Within my schedule of personal and family commitments, attendance at South Melbourne senior men's matches is my allocated almost non-negotiable time just for me. 

(If I can get to South senior women's games, I like to do that, too; I don't get to go as many as I would like. For the purposes of this post, I'll be focusing on the senior men's team.)

I usually take public transport to games, which means the journey to a game can sometimes take hours. At a game I like to socialise with people, South fans and non-South fans, pleb fans and non-pleb fans, and am happy to chat with anyone who is willing to discuss any and all matters in good faith. Sometimes what I write here comes up in discussion on a match day, but usually it doesn't, and that's fine. My main goal as a South fan, much as it may surprise people who are familiar with my general disposition and this blog's oeuvre, is to enjoy our games. 

And as for the game itself? I watch some of it intently, and much of the rest distractedly; both of these are done through impaired vision, which excuses some of what ends up on here, though not all. I watch our games as a South fan, not as an emotionally detached chinstroker. When I am at my most motivated, I watch and write about our matches more as a cultural observer than I do as a match reporter. If the writing sometimes comes across as disinterested or impersonal, or less passionate - especially when put up against the more obviously emotional output of some of our fans - it's probably because of a personal writerly affectation of trying to appear fair.

Sometimes I confuse being honest with being fair. It is a longstanding failing of mine, one I have to remain vigilant of. I am not usually ashamed of what I write, because if I was, I wouldn't print it. Sometimes I overstep the mark, which causes me incredible psychological anguish; these moments are often compounded by my initial tendency toward being oblivious, and by my personal obstinance in not wanting to be seen at diluting my personal ethics. The funny thing about moments like those, is that oftentimes some of my readership thinks I should have gone in even harder, and dug my heels in even deeper. 

If I am ashamed of anything with this blog - apart from of moments of supreme lack of judgement - it is those times when I don't put enough effort into writing these posts, which of late has been an increasing issue. Part of that is a reflection of where I am in my life, but part of it is also, I think, a symptom of the general malaise the club has found itself in the post-Taylor, post-A-League bid era. We have not made the finals since 2017 - indeed we have barely looked like it for most of that time. There is no obvious way out of this NPL hole, as our repeated A-League bids have failed, and the promise of playing at a mooted national second division remains at best a few years away.

We have weathered sixteen years of humiliation and waning interest, broken up by intermittent successes which always fail to lead to renewed growth in the club, whether due to natural causes or our own club's ability to sabotage its own good fortune. We lack generational renewal, and our supporter base continues to atrophy. Under such circumstances, all I want - apart from a competitive team - is football that adheres to some notion of what this club has stood for over the past 62 years. Attacking football, fearless football, football that entertains, football that is about goals. I have no miraculous expectations about the ability of the players to replicate the heroics of our greatest teams and players, but I do have an expectation that we at least try and play in a style befitting the club's pedigree and former sense of self.

And while I acknowledge that there is often a time and a place for pragmatism, the manner in which we have played this year has not been noticed and critiqued only by myself. It has also been noted by other South fans, and by people outside of South. And the commentary, regardless of how much it varies in where blame (or responsibility) lies, often comes back to this point - that the way we play now, is not the way South Melbourne Hellas should be playing.

I don't want to comment any further on the quality of writing here, because that would be self-indulgent. But if I were to talk about the content for just a moment. The great strength of this blog is that it is not an official blog. It is so unofficial, that in the past I have refused assistance from the club to gain media accreditation. It is so unofficial that - apart from my disinterest of interviewing players and coaches - it has no interest in talking to any of our players and coaches.

Every player and coach that comes through our club, to me, is a transient. While they play in blue and white, and adhere to the general values of the club - at the least better parts of it - then I will support them. Once they leave the club, they become someone else's concern, or more usually, no one's concern at all.

The problem that exists now, is that the South team I watch barely resembles South at all. And if South doesn't play that many of us think South teams should, than what's the point? Call it fantasy - I certainly have - but if you're a player or coach who is looking to be part of the self-delusion that is the ongoing existence of the South Melbourne  Hellas Soccer Club, than you have a duty to play into that fantasy. 

That fantasy doesn't just mean the silly, absurd rhetoric about being a big a club; it's the fantasy that the club was built and and maintained on certain on field principles, which include fearlessness. 

But I fear that's gone for good.

Next game

Who knows.

Final thought

Congrats to the women's team for making it through to the next stage of their cup tournament.