Ten blog posts that will probably never see the light of day

In lieu of Kiss of Death's absence this week - and I'm disappointed, because you know KoD would've had something good for derby week, if only they had the time - here's a self-indulgent piece from me instead.

If you think most of what gets put up on here is crap, then you've obviously never seen what doesn't make it to publication, and is just sitting there in draft form waiting for some attention. So here's a list of some of the half baked ideas, poor attempts at humour and victims of 'never found the time to finish', sitting in the South of the Border vault. Thank goodness most will never come to fruition.

1. On Modernity - an earnest, and perhaps over earnest, piece about the whole Against Modern Football movement, and how its faulty nomenclature in particular betrays a self-interested and broken sense of nostalgia. Some of the ideas are rock solid, but when even I choke on the earnest tone of a piece, you know it's best to just let it go.
2. Les Murray as Paul McCartney - a smidgen of an idea at best from several years ago, where I would discuss how everyone hated Les Murray rather than Johnny Warren because Warren, like John Lennon, was dead, and we show a lot more respect to the dead than the living. The article never got very far - just a few hackneyed paragraphs - and eventually I came to despise Murray as much as the next bitter. Good thing then that I never even got close to finishing the piece.
3. 10 possible reasons Peter Kokotis is no longer general manager - Oh dear. A 'humourous' piece, this one is actually complete, but just very unfunny, in the way that a non-humourist like myself writes it and thinks it's funny, and then five seconds after finishing it realises that it's clearly not funny. 
4. Is Blogging Enough? - last year maybe, someone - probably Dean Rosario - had a crack at the thinkers and writers of the Oz Soccer world, especially the bitters. That prompted some brainstorming on my part about the worth, effect and role of blogging and writing on the game as opposed to getting your sleeves dirty in some more traditional, authentic and 'practical' manner. Everything I would have said in the piece would have been in defending what I (and others) do, but these people have their own axe to grind anyway, and besides, who wants to hear writers talk about writing?
5. Match report in Hattrick style - Hattrick is an online football management game whose games, played in real time, are entirely text based. It has its own very particular style of reporting on a game - only significant events are reported, and sometimes there just aren't a lot of them - and I wanted to experiment with adapting Hattrick's style to real world football, and then write about it for Hattrick's internal press site, I tried this once with the 2-2 Southern Stars game from a couple of years ago, with help from Gains while taking notes, but too much happened in that game to make it workable then. I would love to revisit this idea, though it would need a duller game and someone to help me point out the precise players doing significant things.
6. South Melbourne matches or yearly reviews based on celebrity/guest reviewers - Like the Hattrick match report idea suggested above, I would have used the style of particular types of reviewers to liven the experience up for myself. Potential imitations included Robert Christgau (already done sorta in my Heavy Sleeper stuff), David and Margaret and reviews (good and bad) from Amazon customers. This could be revisited as a gimmick at some point, but who knows if I'll ever have the gumption, or the requisite self-discipline.
7. The search for the ultimate South Melbourne player - Born from times when we were in a bad patch and the supporters would twist themselves into ethical knots about what kind of players we should sign (loyal, Greek and Greek Orthodox, not traitorous dogs, young but experienced, and who would play for free). The fact that I couldn't draw did not help this article's case, but as you may well have guessed, that was only part of the issue..
8. It was and always will be our fault - Defeated and defeatist - but still fighting - piece aimed at Paul Daffey of The Age and Footy Almanac. Back in 2010 Daffey had a go, as so many of his ilk have, about how our South has destroyed the Lake Oval, while ignoring the facts that a) South Melbourne footy club left the place in 1981, and b) our South lost its traditional home of Middle Park due to a stupid car race, yet still had a desire to remain in the local area. In the end, the points that I made in the relevant comments section were far better than the apoplectic ramblings I had metaphorically scribbled into the draft page here.
9. Steve from Broady's 2015 Asian Cup diary - No one got into the Asian Cup like Steve, and I mean no one. He followed the Socceroos up and down the coast, watched games from other teams in the relevant cities, managed to squeeze in some tennis and one day cricket along the way, and at one point even make a tray of lasagne. He told me once that he'd completed the first six days, but I haven't seen it, and I'm not optimistic that I'll see the rest either.
10. Annotated review of Tony Wilson's 'Australia United' - I didn't like this book for all sorts of reasons, and I was all ready to put it up a review at some point late last year or the year before - I can't remember exactly when - but I sent it to someone else first for perusal. They said it was good, but mean, and that discouraged me from putting it out. Following a reading of Stewart Lee's autobiography, which included annotated transcripts of three of his shows, I gave the same treatment to my review. I think it actually turned out pretty good (if still self-indulgent), so the reason this isn't getting published here is due to aesthetic grounds rather than content - it needs to be in print to project the full effect of annotations. Sadly, unless something miraculous happens, it'll probably never see a print run.

Spoils of war artefact Wednesday - St Kevin's College witch's hat

During an away trip to Richmond - I forgot which year, but research indicates it was this game in 2012, where I lost a beanie - this witch's hat, or traffic cone for the more politically correct among us, was 'liberated' from St Kevin's College, which is of course near Kevin Bartlett Reserve. Apparently the relevant liberator of this artefact was pretty drunk on the night when this action was taken, and was actually surprised to find it in his bed after waking up, notifying me via the rather appropriately surprised message, 'Dude I woke up this morning with a orange cone in my bed WTF'. I've actually been asking for a photograph of this object for some years now, only recently actually getting a photo after the big fellow re-found the object at the bottom of his wardrobe. The sticker on the cone is from the same set of five or so stickers as the two in this post, commissioned by a member of Clarendon Corner.

Air Force One - North Geelong 0 South Melbourne 3

After complaining on Twitter about the fact that there were no taxi ranks at either Lara or Corio stations, I received this offer of a lift, which blew me away,

@PaulMavroudis do you want a lift. Fancy a ride with the President to Geelong. Beats taking public transport.
— Leo Athanasakis (@LAthanasakis) February 24, 2015

The option being either to go hardcore and take the public transport, or sell out to the man and take up the president's offer, so of course I did the latter. Ghastly Top 40 station music aside, it was a pleasant enough experience, going along for the ride not just with Leo, but also Leo's son, Leo's father, and Gains squished up in the middle seat.  The warning of Avalon Air Show traffic leading up to the game proved to be ill founded, both on the way there and especially on the way back. Indeed like a few others I assume, we got a little bit of a free show on the way there, with planes flying low across the freeway in front of us.

Upon entering the ground, it feels so much like what a country soccer venue should: clearly rural, but also clearly loved. There's a strong soccer culture here, and on the whole the locals were very hospitable. I spent a good part of the under 20s match indoors in the North Geelong SOCIAL CLUB (did you see what I did there, real subtle) having lunch (glorified rissole cevapi roll and a Snickers, tasty sure, but let's be honest hardly the equal of well made souvlaki) and watching Australia get smashed in the cricket on the TV, but avoidinh the temptation to have a go on the jumping castle.

Steve from Broady showing everyone he's a man of many talents, as he
goes about filming the under 20s game from way up high on the scaffolding.
Photo: Skip Fulton.

Outside the heat and the humidity conspired to make things less than pleasant, and it was a credit to the under 20s players, who had to deal with the worst of it, that they put on as good a show as they did, while the rest of us marvelled at Steve from Broady making it to the top of media tower scaffolding. The conditions were scarcely better for the two teams in the senior match, who still had to deal with pretty adverse weather conditions. In particular I was a little concerned that due to our obvious lack of fitness last week, whether we would be able run out the game strongly. As it was, it looked like we did enough to control the game for the most part without completely busting a gut, chasing and closing down when necessary, but not going out like greyhounds in the way that Avondale Heights did last week against the Knights.

The first half was spent hiding from the sun underneath the social club's terracing, as well as performing the usual feat at these kinds of grounds of trying to find the best spot to see both goal mouths, while avoiding the support pillars and players race. Apart from the two goals we scored, the moment I'm most keen to see on the replay was the header which seemed to be pulled in by the North Geelong goalkeeper with Inspector Gadget arms. Plenty at the ground thought the header had gone in - indeed, even the Dodgy Asian Betting guy had it registered as a goal - but somehow it stayed out. No doubt that on the replay it will look like it was n where near to being in. In the second half, it was more of the same, though I dare say we played it a bit more cautiously. The rain that began in the second half would have made it more comfortable I hope for the players, as it did for the fans behind the goal, who were less interested in chanting than in engaging in good natured banter with the North Geelong keeper, who took it in his stride.

More photographers than fans. First there was Cindy Nitsos, then Skip Fulton, and now Kevin Juggins, very capable with a lens. 

I can't say it was pretty, because it wasn't really, but I don't think it was as ugly as the players singing the song implied. North Geelong battled hard, but apart from set pieces couldn't really muster up too much of a threat on our goal, and I reckon they'll probably struggle to avoid the drop. Still, we also weren't at our sharpest. David Stirton was copping (rightfully) the brunt of the frustration from the actually pretty decent travelling South contingent, especially from one notable yapper, but Stirton then scored a nice header and laid one off for Milos Lujic to more or less ice the game before half time, and his laziness was for the time being at least excused.

Still, we had been and would continue to be wasteful in front of goal, with the lack of decisiveness being my main gripe. If you're near enough and there's space in front of you, why not have a ping? I don't know, maybe we have a team full of perfectionists, maybe the turf wasn't playing as true as its verdancy would indicate, but substitute Andy Brennan showed what might be achieved if you just hit the damn thing; even if it ends up going at straight at the keeper, it may end up going through his legs, and the game becomes a little more comfortable.

One last observation from this game, and the possible arrival of a new trend. In the difficult years prior to our most recent championship, we South fans would often bemoan two things - first, that we were not as physical as other sides in the competition, and second, that referees were loath to punish the more violent teams such as Green Gully. The bit we can control, the physicality aspect, seemed to have been sorted out last year, if not even earlier upon the arrival of Chris Taylor and his cohort of Dandenong Thunder players. Certainly an intrinsic part of that physicality, the ability to grind out results, went a huge way to securing us the championship. The referee leniency issue is something largely out of our control; however in the first two games this season it appears we're gpoing into tackles with a bit more fervour than I've seen from a South team for a long time. My concern is not just for the yellow and red cards that we're likely to pick up along the way, but also for the reputation of the club. Some of the tackles that have been put in by our players in the early part of this season have been getting close to cringe worthy.

Next week
Not round three as you might expect, but round four. Round three is spread over several weeks, and our game in that round isn't on until April. Instead, we'll be jumping straight into round four, and an away fixture against Werribee City, whose round round three game is to be played midweek this week. Here's hoping we don't have to put up the scaffolding ourselves again.

Meet me in St Louis
After the mysterious exit of defender James Musa had failed to elicit anything resembling a concrete explanation - apart from the fact that he was quite clearly no longer with us - it appears that we finally have an answer as to his next career move. Musa has joined Saint Louis FC, an expansion team in the third tier USL competition in the USA, after the MLS and NASL. Saint Louis FC are, according to Wikipedia, affiliated with Chicago Fire of the MLS.

The stranger case of Peter Gavalas
All sorts of strange rumours were circulating from all sorts of different sources yesterday, about the exact status of Peter Gavalas' injury. The consensus seems to be that yes, it's a back injury, but worse than that, that it's far more serious than previously given credit for. Rather than the half dozen weeks initially mentioned, it's likely to be twice as long. Much more speculative was whether Gavalas had actually carried this injury into pre-season, whether he was struggling with it before the season had started, and now whether he's been let go, pending the approval of a goalkeeping signing exemption from FFV.

Media pass
As per usual, earlier this year I was waiting with anticipation for the release of the application form for FFV media accreditation. But before I could even get to fill out anything, and pray to Morgoth that I would fail so I could have a good old fashioned whinge, I received a phone call telling me not to apply, How come I asked? Well, my mystery caller said that'd he'd arrange to get me one.

Now whether it is true or not that the relevant person in FFV communications agreed to this request because it was 'easier to just to give it to him', I can't say for sure. Anyway, despite the fact that I'd rather have been accepted or denied for accreditation on my own terms, one doesn't simply knock back this kind of unsolicited thoughtfulness put in on one's behalf. To that end, I will try my best to do either of the following:

• Prove that there is actually no harm done in rewarding someone who actually puts in the effort to cover the competition, and not just by providing menial match reports
• Make sure they regret the decision.

Only time will tell which one will happen. As a closing note, I've gone a little ways I hope to repaying that kind deed, when my youngest brother - who happened to be with me when I picked up my media pass from the South office - managed to decipher the handwriting on one of the membership applications that the club got during the Antipodes Festival.

Listen, George, I got some bad news. I'm not gonna be able to give you that parking space.

Interesting letter sent out to State League 1 clubs this week by FFV. Here's the most interesting section.

Throughout 2016 and prior to expiration of the current term we will conduct a review of our NPL competitions with a view to determining the best competition structure and appropriate licence tenure commencing in 2017. That process will include consultation with existing stakeholders (including NPL Clubs) and will involve consideration of an automatic promotion and relegation system between NPL and Victorian State Leagues. 

Given the review process to take place in 2016 and the fact that following the 2015 season only 1 year will remain of the current licence period, FFV has decided not to offer new NPL licences for the 2016 season. The result of that decision is that the two State League 1 champions in 2015 (NW and SE) will not have the right to apply for an NPL licence in 2016. 

We reiterate that the opportunity to enter NPL in Victoria will exist in 2017 and that the terms on which that may occur will be the focus of our review and consultation process.

This will, I think, annoy some State League 1 clubs that have decided to loosen the purse strings this year in the hope of making it up to NPL. I'll let others discuss the relative justice of this move, but I suppose those clubs with NPL ambitions can always take this as an opportunity to further strengthen their structures in readiness for the 2017 season.

Speaking of the social club
Apparently at this year's family day, the Member for Albert Park, and our number one ticket holder, Martin Foley, made a promise that the social club situation would be sorted within 100 days, a promise that ge claimed we could hold him to. Now whather that was 100 days from the election of the Andrews government - in which case I have been told it would fall on March 15th - or 100 days from the family day, I'm not sure, but there's something for people to use as measuring stick. Frankly, just for the moment I'm much more annoyed that something interesting actually happened at South Melbourne family day, and I wasn't there to witness it.

Around the grounds
When something happens twice, it's a coincidence. When something happens three times, it's a trend.
Me, being well known as a social butterfly, decided it was a good idea to not stay home and feel sorry for myself, and instead head down to Port Melbourne, where the home side would be taking on Pascoe Vale. Now of course the expectation of me among certain parts of my readership would be that I would have gone to Knights instead, but even I have my limits as to how much Croatia i can handle in a week, and besides - I was going to be seeing North Geelong in action anyway.

The beauty of the FFV providing cameras to every club means that you can see at least the key action from the previous week. In the case of Pascoe Vale, because Heidelberg have started filming their games for television now, it was good to see how decisive Pascoe Vale's 3-0 round one loss actually was. And to be honest, not that decisive, only capitulating once they'd conceded the opening goal. Now, Pascoe Vale utterly dominated the first half against Port Melbourne, The home side couldn't even get out of their own half. Still, Port survived unscathed until point, and came out firing in the second half, where Kamal Ibrahim scored a very nice goal to give Port the lead and see Pascoe Vale deteriorate into a rabble. A cheap goal closer to the end killed this game off, though it was a good game to watch overall.

Aside from the game, there was also mingling to be had. As usual I chatted with George (Jesus of Port Melbourne fame), but I also met Elio and Elizabeth, the parents of former Richmond and now Port defender Andrew Viola, and chatted with them about the old days at Richmond before the recent turmoil, and of course the mandatory reminiscence of the food there and Mark Boric chasing balls onto the freeway.

@PaulMavroudis When I needed to find an assistant referee for an Under 21's game Elio would always help out unlike others
— Mark Boric (@MarkBoric) February 27, 2015

It also turned out that the Violas knew roving reporter Skip Fulton, once briefly of this blog before I banished him to more suitable places. Of course by sheer coincidence Skip Fulton was also there, along with Mark Gojszyk of all sorts of things including Shoot Farken. This is a small world indeed. My entry with media pass to Port was also unproblematic, but two problems persist - the lack of access to the outer side, which has the best viewing spots in the ground; and the fact that Port Melbourne still insists on canteen pricing that resembles a hotel mini-bar. $4 for a bottle of iced tea? $2 for a Killer Python? I know you're in a heavily yuppified area, but you're not running a 7-Eleven outlet.

Final thought
They've got chocolate milk now?!

2015 Asian Cup adventure - Day 1 - Self-Perpetuating Nostalgia Blues

Seeing as I have tickets to seven matches of the 2015 Asian Cup (along with Gains and his housemate), all in Melbourne. I really wanted to write something that was akin to the greatness of my World Cup pieces for Shoot Farken, but that's not going to happen. In part this is because if you don't have pay TV, as I don't, the tournament may as well as not exist, but also inspiration just hasn't struck. So instead please enjoy or disregard the following, the usual dose of moroseness.

First stop was the Precinct Hotel to catch up with Steve from Broady, because he reckoned that the Cricketers Arms, where the Green and Gold Army was planning to set up, was a hole. Let's be honest though, the Precinct is also a dump. Eventually we did wander over to the Cricketers Arms - but not before bumping into now former South player Shaun Timmins on the way there - in order to meet up with a South supporter who is not completely disillusioned and/or cynical with whatever it is that the Green and Gold Army is meant to be these days.

Aside from inexplicably watching Australia vs India during the 2011 Asian Cup at the Celtic Club - an event which somehow did not make it to this blog in any form - my one and only other close up experience with the Green and Gold Army was back in 2009, which I wrote up in a hyper jaded manner on this blog. The ensuing years have made it harder to hate the Green and Gold Army though. Stripped of relevance by pretty much everyone, replaced by the one game wonder of Terrace Australia [sic], but still kicking on, who am I to kick a dog while it's down?

I must admit that on face value the Cricketers Arms is perhaps an odd choice for such a meet and greet. Apart from its close proximity to the ground, both the interior and the beer garden out the back were liberally decorated in VFL, AFL and cricket paraphernalia. Apart from re-telling unpublishable South gossip, the only other significant thing to do was to become complicit in someone's alcohol problem. But I suppose that's what going to a pub is all about anyway.

Steve from Broady wanted to head to the ground early for some unknown reasons. On the way there we spotted a suited up Alan Davidson talking to someone, before we crossed over into Gosch's Paddock (named after some long dead Melbourne City councilman) and tried to get a handle on what the pre-match festivities consisted of; as it turned out, it was mostly a handful of tent booths with skill games for the kids, and a merch stand.

Outside the Gate 2 entrance at the Bubbledome, there was ethnic dancing of a sort, though I didn't hang around long enough to notice if it was a generic (or specific) Levantine dabke, or something altogether more Kuwaiti. If it indeed was a Kuwaiti folk dance, one wonders if they'd have been allowed to do it in Kuwait proper, where dancing (among other 'fun' things) is prohibited. And of course, my thoughts turned to the NCIP and all that, before being distracted by the white line on the concourse with the attendant instruction 'no smoking beyond thus point', as if the cigarette smoke and the wind could read, much less care where they would end up. But back to the NCIP for just a moment, how good was it that Asian Cup organising committee managed to choose a meat pie as our national dish? It's one of those things that in reality is almost entirely inconsequential, but because of that in-consequentiality manages to rankle my feathers even more. For the record, I would have gone with stale bain marie dim sims.

Once inside, Steve and I did a lap around the inside of the ground to kill time. I bought a scarf in part because it was going to get colder and the threat of rain, and because my green with one gold star Hattrick t-shirt wasn't going to cut it on that front. We bumped into two fellow South fans as well, which just goes to prove that we're not all Socceroo hating, old soccer Nazis. It was my first Socceroos game for a year and a half, the last time being a forgettable (in that I'd forgotten about it entirely) World Cup qualifier against Jordan at Docklands. The last time I was at the Bubbledome was for a Rebels game. The last time I saw a soccer match at the Bubbledome was for another, earlier World Cup qualifying game against Saudi Arabia. It was interesting to see all the elements of the normal Bubbledome stripped back, by which I mean the sponorship boards, but there was also a very large expanded media space on the western side of the ground. Otherwise it was pretty much the same place.

Now it's true that unless you're shoved into some corner, there are not really any bad seats at the Bubbledome, but it was probably a bit dishonest to class the seats we had as 'category A' seats, considering that we were behind the line of the goal - surely that definition should have applied more strictly to areas including only more central bays. At least we could get a good look at the scoreboard from where we were, which became became more necessary in the second half as the bloke next to me was an unnecessary leaner, meaning that we, too, had to lean forward every time the ball went down toward the Olympic Boulevard end.

Prime Minister Tony Abbott made an appearance and was booed by large sections of the the crowd, unlike the time I saw him make an appearance at Brookvale Oval in 2014. Of course back then he was in his own electorate, and accompanied by a sick child as well. Frank Lowy got a much kinder reception though, except from me. If you're going to have a chip on your shoulder, you may as well be sincere about it.

The opening ceremony was all a bit ho hum, some strange inflatable set up, three artists I knew next to nothing about - one song I recognised from some ad campaign on television - and music played at an earth shakingly loud volume, which jarred with the tolerable volume of the pre-game entertainment before that. It probably didn't help that I was seated right behind some massive pitch side speakers, covered in plastic I assume to protect them from any possible deluge, but because of this also making a huge distorted rustling noise. If anyone can make head or tail of all the people running around and doing backflips and cartwheels, good to you. Opening ceremonies are for television audiences anyway, not for people in the stands with obstructed and only one view of the action.

Would've been a much more authentic piece of Aussie culture if opening ceremony was people running through sprinklers pic.twitter.com/wm2Gn7haFx
— Paul Mavroudis (@PaulMavroudis) January 9, 2015

Oh yes, as warned in an email before the match, there was also audience participation by way of what the organisers called a 'tifo' - which was really getting a coloured card out from the back of your seat and making sure you flipped it at the right moment. We even went through a taxing practice run; taxing in that we flipped the cards several times during that warm up, while it only required one flip during the opening ceremony itself. More on those pieces of cardboard later.

"TIFO" at the Asian Cup... lame! #AsianCup2015 #AC2015 pic.twitter.com/Q1Pc6uOzkz
— Cindy N (@cindyn) January 9, 2015

The first 30 odd minutes was pretty mediocre stuff from the Socceroos, the goal conceded from the corner being the highlight of said mediocrity. A close runner up however was the first corner we took which was played short RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! Aside from whatever irrational hatred I have of short corners, we have this guy called Tim Cahill, who even though he's a self-aggrandising, right wing nut job associating shill, has a magical forehead onto which every lofted ball we can send into the area should be sent to.

Nevertheless, as was expected but not assured, we managed to run over the top of them. As we all rose up to celebrate the Socceroos two first half goals, I got accidentally elbowed in the side after each time by the Unnecessary Leaner in bis excitement, which took the edge off the celebrations for me. Further injury was avoided because for the third goal everyone was standing up in anticipation of the penalty, and the the fourth goal was a such a junk time effort there was no real point in celebrating it anyway.

At half time the sprinklers either turned themselves or were turned on by someone for the same reason (which escapes me at this moment) they were turned on before the match. Either way the photographers had to make a bit of run for it. The second half was entertaining at least as we peppered the goals, but the Kuwaitis were also able to break through the offside trap on a handful of occasions and barring some good work by Mat Ryan in goal, it might have been a tighter finish. Instead the crowd grew bored as the Aussie! Aussie! Aussie! chant started going through the crowds, and the pieces of cardboard used for the opening ceremony were crafted into paper planes. A handful were well crafted enough to make it onto the field; most seemed to make it as far as the space behind the ad boards, while a good few didn't even get that far, managing only to collide with the back of people's heads, reminding me of the time I got hit in the head with a coin at a Victory game.

At the end of the day, the man of the match was clearly the referee, who bucked the trend of all referees being rubbish all the time,  what with having an excellent game all around, especially in not falling for pretty much any of the diving antics of the Socceroos. Remember the days when we were all self-righteous about the diving and feigning of injuries of Asian teams? Well judging from last night's match, that's gone completely out the window now, as we have now become the petulant equals of our region's finest in this matter. Welcome to modern Australian football.

THANK FUCK FOR THAT!

In a forthcoming post about everything (well almost everything) that had happened during November, I was going to ask the question 'WHERE ARE MY (AND GAINS' AND HIS MATE CHRIS') FUCKING ASIAN CUP TICKETS YOU FUCKING CUNTS?' except not like that, but rather more like 'Where are my Asian Cup tickets?', because there's no need to get worked up over it, even though they said September, then October and then when I rang them last week 'if you don't get them by early December, give us a call'. Right.

I was going to go COMPLETELY OFF TAP whatever that means, taking aim at everyone vaguely responsible - the local Asian Cup organising committee, Australia Post, even that bloody wombat named after a spice which can be used in both sweet and savoury dishes and don't you dare tell me that it can't. Tripod said it could in a song about Adelaide being shit, and who are you to disagree?

Anyway, I even speculated that the following would have happened before I got my tickets delivered.

• South will have held an AGM.
• South will have apologised to the Hamiltons and permanently adopted the heritage jersey for away matches, putting it in the constitution and thus making it incontestable.
• South will been granted entry into the A-League, as South Melbourne playing in blue and/or white, and playing all games out of Melbourne and/or Darcy Street/North Hobart Oval/Launceston/Souvlaki Stadium.
• Les Murray's farewell tour will have ended.
• The social club will have been completeda dn ready for use, after officially being opened by Frank Lowy.

But lo and behold, yesterday my dad brought in a waterlogged card saying that I could pick up a package tomorrow at the Duke Street post office in Altona North, and I got very excited. And then after awhile, I kinda thought, 'maybe it's not the tickets. Maybe it's my copy of the inaugural edition of Leopold Method which is being mailed out this week'. Well that killed my buzz a bit, but there was only one thing to do - go to the damn post office and get the package.

And so here we are.

About time these arrived. Paging @stevorch pic.twitter.com/Mrc5w3MHge
— Paul Mavroudis (@PaulMavroudis) November 24, 2014

The envelope was severely waterlogged, the fancy case had some damage on the sides, but thank goodness the tickets - which are moderately attractive - managed to arrive in excellent condition. So, Gains, you can relax now just a smidge. And Steve from Broady, you can keep waiting for your cricket world cup tickets to arrive. 

Point gained or two points squandered? Northcote City 1 South Melbourne 1

Ever get the feeling you've seen the same game twice? That was one of the feelings I had after this game, mostly because it was not that much different to the one I'd seen the night before (see the 'around the grounds' section for a roundup of that game).

The pitch was not in good condition. In fact it was probably the worst playing surface I'd seen all season, but more on that later. Actually, fuck it, let's digress two paragraphs into the report.

Oh, but when I write this stuff...

Kudos to whoever was running the official South Facebook page yesterday when the content on the right was posted.

While it's not like Northcote or any other club goes out of their way to present such a shocking surface for a game, the 'equestrian' backhander in this official piece of SMFC communication is nevertheless one small step for man, and one giant leap for bloggers who now know that their formerly unsanctioned pettiness may well end up having a professional outlet and maybe even a media pass. OK, maybe not a media pass.

Suffice to say that while more than one person who ventured out to John Cain mentioned that there was far more grass (and weeds, and clover) on the outer hills than on the playing arena, probably no one expected Pravda the South official site to come out and say something of this nature, especially since the Lakeside surface hasn't been in that great a condition itself in recent weeks.

And what credentials does whoever came up with the equestrian comment have to make that call? Ah, the questions that keep you up at night.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programme

Chris Taylor offers to sell you a genuine Rollex watch, just
like the moviestars wear. Photo: Cindy Nitsos.

You make decisions all the time about how you're going to approach a game, and that goes for the fans as well. That's why I didn't rock up with an umbrella. Nevertheless I had decided on being one of the hardcore morons and not only standing on the outer, but also going behind the goals where we spent so many games during our relocation residency. Sure the city silhouette is pretty from the grandstand, the crossbar at the carpark end obscures the view something terrible and the rain made things miserable and cold and hard to see, but it's what you have to do sometimes to prove how big of a supporter you are. Also, you get closer to Clarendon Corner and their in joke chants.

Tim Mala was out due to getting five yellows, so Shaun Timmins moved over to right back while Brad Norton came back into the side in his once customary left back position. For them, Trent Rixon was a no show. The first half was crap. Nothing of any particular note happened. Oh wait, I bought a packet of B or C grade snakes from the nutseller, which helped keep the sugar levels up for a while, and when distributed to all manner of South folk at the game, they won me the fame and admiration of all who had the fortune of eating one. Well, at least for as long as the cheap flavouring lasted.

Milos Lujic celebrates scoring his 15th league goal for the
season. Photo: Cindy Nitsos.

The second half saw us not only get on top, but also create several chances. We kept getting closer, but perhaps the ground made us wary of taking that first time shot, because we just kept waiting and waiting for the perfect opening instead of a good enough opening. Eventually Tyson Holmes slipped a ball through for Milos Lujic who tucked it away into the corner, and the crowd behind the goals went wild. Unfortunately not long afterwards calamitous defending from seemingly everyone in our back half led to Northcote equalising. I couldn't tell what happened or who was responsible, but we probably deserved to cop the goal just for the slapstick attempt at defending, especially the way Jason Saldaris was running from one end of the box to the other.

Was the foul in the box? Outside the box? Did the Northcote player trip over the ball? Did Norton get the ball? Was there a trailing leg, and should that matter? Saldaris guessed right, maybe even got a hand on to it, but it went in anyway. Northcote almost took the lead which would have been a criminal outcome, but instead we still had the best chances to win the game after that. Holmes sent a shot wide from a tight angle, and Lujic had too much time and ended up squandering a one on one chance.

On exiting the ground I found out that my earphones had carked it and I had to deal with stupid reality on the way home. Also, Oakleigh's 2-1 win over Bentleigh means the gap between us has closed to seven points with seven games to play.

Next week
Pascoe Vale away on Friday night. Yes, yes, I know, we're all mostly looking to the woodfired pizza. Three points? Not before I get a charcoaled crust on my margherita goddammit.

We had been scheduled to play Bentleigh on Tuesday, but that has been moved to Wednesday August 6th due to some reason or other.

Player Points tallies revealed! Maybe!
I like to give them a bit of stick when they deserve it, but on this front at least FFV have come through with the goods. Well, sort of. They've provided not only the tallies but also the breakdowns of each NPL and NPL1 squad player by player. Here then are the NPL squad tallies, and here are the NPL1 squad tallies.

'Dick, you ever wonder what it would be like if FFV was a
competent organisation?'
'Say, that's dangerous thinking Paul; you best stick to your work'
'Ha, OK'

If we are to take the documents at face value, then we are at the higher end of the NPL table, with 230 points used up from our available 275. By comparison our nearest competitor on the ladder, Oakleigh Cannons, have 235, but they have also used a marquee qualification on Nate Foster. Quite why we don't have a marquee allocation, I don't know.

Of more concern for us is that we have only two 'home grown' players, and they are goalkeeper Chris Maynard, who's only there as back up and not seeing any game time, and Dion Kirk who was added to the youth squad and then promoted through to the twenty man NPL senior squad to exploit a loophole which also saves him from being counted as a switching player. Andrew Kecojevic, at 16 years of age, is the only other player we have as deducting points from the overall tally.

It will be very interesting to see how this works from next year onwards, when switching players will accrue points from the start of the season as opposed to midway through this season, and when the players points cap starts falling (if it starts falling). Of course, there are those who have savaged the accuracy of this data set, claiming variously that it is:

• Wrong
• Embarrassingly wrong
• Prone to errors in part to due to allowing clubs to self report their squad details.
• Prone to error because the FF V has no idea how to count, let alone understand how its own system works.

In which case there's probably no point in worrying too much about whether any of the data means anything at all, other than how are we ever going to do this NPL thing the way it was sort of intended if we can't get one of its core elements even remotely right.

As for me, I'm now waiting with baited breath for the results of the facilities audit to be released.

You can't fire me, because I quit!
No more stats, as Steve from Broady - aka Big Griff - has either been made redundant or has quit in disgust for some reason. Of course, these only existed on this blog for the past season because of the fact that he was providing them for the club, but we'll still be sad that they'll no longer be a part of this site. As for Steve's media commitments on South Radio, I'm fairly certain he'll still be a part of that, as I've not heard otherwise.

Public transport changes
You may recall last week that I noted the change of the 112 tram to St Kilda - the tram that goes past Lakeside - has now changed and become a 12 tram to St Kilda. That was not the only change to the network though, with several routes having been changed. The only major changes I have been able to notice as relates to NPL people, is a change to Green Gully (which more or less leaves it at the same level of inconvenience) and Port Melbourne, which now requires you to take a different bus from a different location. Check our public transport guide for the relevant updates.

Around the grounds
The opposite of life is not death, it's indifference
Asked around, but no one seemed very interested in coming out to Port Melbourne vs Green Gully on Friday night. So it was just me and my soul crushing self--hatred and loneliness - and really, why else would someone choose to go to a game like this on their own? Gully had not much to play for, their annoying tendency to go on a barnstorming late run to another barely deserved title scuppered by the fact that in 2014 there will be no finals series. Port are trying to keep their heads above the relegation zone. The first half was a complete non event, so much so that even George, the well known bearded marshal at Port (also a big South fan) reckoned he was falling asleep. The second half was more worthwhile, as Port created several good chances and even took the lead. Sadly for the home team, Gully scored an equaliser late with what was probably their only real chance for the game. That's the way it ended, amid a brooding sense of irreversible decay; a small, disinterested crowd, a former commentator turned security guard, and the people at the gate not even bothering to hassle me about my FFV season pass as usually happens at Port.

Final thought
Sometimes, what happens at Paisley Park, stays at Paisley Park.

Could have done worse - Heidelberg United 0 South Melbourne 3

The first match of the season is always a strange one. For starters, you see a whole bunch of people you haven't seen in months, and wouldn't see outside of the club. It's like a high school reunion, until you have to do it all again the week after.

The second thing I noticed were the efforts Heidelberg had gone to in order to make Olympic Village look half presentable. New scoreboard, a ton of sponsor boards, much needed paint job on their grandstand and a beautiful surface. So, credit to Heidelberg and the effort they've put in, and credit to the punters for turning up in numbers - over 3000 apparently, which was ten times the crowd this fixture got back in late 2012. Imagine if it'd been held on a more suitable day.

But they may have considered at some point perhaps building a slightly better team, even with long term planning taken into consideration. Going forward they were OK without being spectacular, but defensively they were a mess. Griffin McMaster, so often a thorn in our side had a nightmare start to 2014, with his attempts at punching the ball clear failing to do anything other than create chaos in his own penalty box.

The start of a 'new' era drew a half decent crowd to
Olympic Village. Photo: Cindy Nitsos.

Eventually after one of these scrambled passages of play, which seemed to go on forever, Matthew Theodore latched onto the loose ball and put it in the back of the net. And remember that beautiful surface I mentioned earlier? Well, when a one on one contest saw a deflection take a wicked and yet entirely appropriate spin towards Milos Lujic, it left McMaster stranded off his line as he watched Lujic's chip sail over his head for 2-0. Had the surface been at its more regulation crap standard, that ball would have bounced any other way but the way that it did.

With big men Jamie Reed and Lujic up front, our game plan was largely based around getting the ball to them as quickly as possible, which meant long balls and plenty of them. But complaining about a Chris Taylor coached team playing too much long ball is like complaining about the sun rising in the east, Kiwis and their fascination with L&P, or FFV not giving me a media pass. These are mere facts of life.

Besides, we actually also defended fairly well, pressing Heidelberg in their own half, and forcing them to turn the ball over in dangerous positions. That meant we also often dived in with a touch too much eagerness, giving away a few too many fouls and collecting a few too many yellow cards - but again, it had echoes of Chris Taylor's treble winning Dandenong Thunder team. Let's not be mistaken - there were also moments of neat passing football - but the main point was to get into positions where we could cross the ball to our two talented forwards so they can do what they're paid to do. To that end, Nick Epifano seemed re-energised after his lacklustre finish to 2013 - here's hoping he can maintain that kind of intensity.

Lujic should have buried the game just before halftime, but at 2-0 and controlling the game, things were looking up, and it was a long way from my hands going numb with nervousness at the start of the game. Conceivably, only complacency or a Daniel Vasilevski free kick could pull it back for the Bergers. His one chance in dangerous free kick territory went wide, and while we eased off the gas in the second half - which was as dull as the first half was exciting - we were never threatened, with Jason Saldaris' positioning nullifying their efforts fairly easily.

A pleasing sight to open the season. Photo: Cindy Nitsos.

Towards the end of the game, Jamie Reed, who was third in line as a cross came in from the left, somehow ended up nodding a simple chance home. Three dire defending efforts from the home team gave us the goals, but on the balance of play we should have won comfortably anyway. How this performance will be viewed will only be seen in hindsight, because without any doubt there are many tougher opponents waiting around the corner.

But at this point in the season, and in a derby game no less, you take the three points, have a coke and a smile and shut the fuck up.

Celebrities of all kinds (highbrow, middlebrow, lowbrow)
Turns out the father of one of the hosts of SMFCTV grew up with Alan Duff, the writer of Once Were Warriors. That was just one of many talking points as we discussed teaching methods at tertiary institutions.

Also caught up with Philthy Phil (a rare soccer attendee, being much more of a footy fan), a friend and colleague of myself and Ian Syson (who was not there for some reason). Phil was also my first tutor at Vic Uni back in 2007 - it's fair to say that if it wasn't for him, I probably would have failed uni for a second time. Among other things, we discussed the forfeiture of working class identity via education as presented in Australian literature, with an emphasis on Tsiolkas' Barracuda and Ashton's The Danger Game.

But the most bizarre incident was something my buddy Gains overhead while waiting in line for a souv (and what an unnecessarily long wait that was), with two boys talking about how they listen to the SouthRadio podcast, and how that 'Griffin (aka Steve from Broady) guy was the funniest'. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a created a monster. A deal with Harry M. Miller can't be far away.

'He's George Katsakis, and he wears what he wants'
Thanks to the Heidelberg coach's fashion sense, that bloody chant about his cardigan has been stuck in my head.

Next week
League action takes a break after just one round, with a likely very tricky tie away to Sunshine George Cross in round four of the Dockerty Cup. Date, time, location to be confirmed.

Public transport
Well, we missed the 5:41 bus, so ended up taking the old 251 straight to Northland shopping centre. Pleasantly surprised with its drop off point, which is closer to the back of that complex, meaning you didn't have to negotiate your way through all the stores.

A pity that it doesn't run past 9:00 though, so we ended up going with our regular Smartbus option. Took all of two hours for me to get home.

NPL Victoria games on radio
FFV will be broadcasting one live NPL match per week via web radio, on Friday nights. I'd like Friday to Monday coverage (they could even drop down to NPL1 games). but it's a start. The address to go to is livecast.com.au. Apparently there's also an app you can download, as well as being able to tune via the TuneIn app.

Among others, Mark Boric reckons it's not a bad production. I had a listen to the Knights - Northcote game while I was at Port Melbourne, and my thoughts were it could probably could use one less special comments person. I like Teo Pellizzeri's style, but the around the grounds could be a little more interactive - something along the lines of the early 1990s AFL radio broadcasts, where they would call different people at each of the grounds.

SMFCTV
Still on Channel 31, but now on Tuesdays at 7:00PM.

Steve From Broady's Canteen Review
Sad to say that Steve is not going to be providing his canteen reviews for the blog this season. They'll now be available exclusively on the South Radio podcast, which you can access via the official site.

New website
Looks like the official South site got a long overdue facelift. Same site address of course. Looks a bit bloggier (don't judge it by South of the Border's aesthetics, or lack thereof), but in a good, modern way.

Speaking of which...
Remember that letter from Hugh Delahunty I put up last week? The club has issued a media statement in response on the official site, which reads as follows.

Media Statement

March 13, 2014 

South Melbourne FC wishes to inform its members, supporters and sponsors of a letter from the Minister for Sport and Recreation published on the South of the Border website.

As the Minister maintains in his letter, all parties are working to finalise the lease. The letter sets out the government's position which it has also put to us. We advised as much at the AGM when we informed our members we had not signed the lease as it did not contain a term of 40 years on which the club continued to insist as it says this was an agreed term of the MoU. The club negotiated the MoU with the previous government and is looking to finalise the lease as soon as possible based on its agreement with the government when it signed the MoU.

The club obviously does not wish to enter into ongoing public discussions about a matter which is currently being addressed by the parties and their lawyers and will provide further information to all members shortly.

For all media enquiries, please contact SMFC Chairman Nick Galatas on 9645 9797.

She said she was young, and needed the money!

Pimping for Melbourne Heart is one thing; this is quite another. To be honest I could be angrier, but George Donikian wasn't even at the derby, preferring to be at some film premiere instead.


Around the grounds
Headed out to Port vs Dandy last night. Port weren't brilliant, but probably deserved to find themselves 2-0 up after half an hour. Then out of nowhere Thunder somehow pulled two goals back in the space of about five minutes. The second half was more meh. They tell me that ex-South player Anthony Giannopoulos cleared one off the line at the other end. Right in front of my group, he was felled in the penalty area late in the match - it looked like a pretty clear penalty, but the ref who wasn't far away from the action waved play on. It finished all square. Both teams looked better than I'd probably have given them credit for, but neither will be challenging for the title. Chicken souvlaki was bland.


Final Thought
Thank goodness there's some actual competitive soccer to watch again. After all the crap, people seem to keen to just get out to the games. Here's hoping that momentum can be maintained throughout 2014, even if it is just a coat of paint over the same structure.

Signings, Fixtures, Media, Departures

Opa Rok Der Choc Der department
Another ex-Dandenong Thunder player has joined up, one Andrew Mullet, a defender. Also in that article, you can see we have signed one James Musa as a centreback (whose name has since been removed from article - see comments section). Gee, the parents and kids in our youth development programme must be feeling good right about now. Also, sucks to be Brad Norton it seems. Bah, we're here to win a title, not make friends, right?

Looks like we've also signed young players Kobbie Boahene and Andy Kecojevic, as well as Bojo Jevdjevic (one of the funnier opposition goalkeepers we've had in recent times) as keeper coach.

Fixture changes
There have been a number of adjustments. Here they are as they relate to South.

• Our round one clash against Heidelberg has been brought forward from an 8:30 to a 7:15 start.
• Our first home against Ballarat has been moved to a Thursday rather than the Wednesday.
• Our away match against Bentleigh has been moved back from the Wednesday to the Tuesday.
• Our Sunday home games will kick off at 5:00, not 3:00 - with the apparent exception of the game against Green Gully - though that, too, may be subject to change.
  

Well done Griffo!

Congratulations are in order for Steve From Broady, who managed to score FFV media accreditation for season 2014. A fair reward for the effort he put in during 2013 across the board, including 21s reports, canteen reviews, stats work and SMFC Radio.

Another board member departs
We've received confirmation that long serving boardmember George Triantos has resigned from the board, due to increased work commitments. He will however still be involved as a volunteer in the sponsorship, events and media areas.

Another link on the side there
Ever get sick of Victorian soccer? Then it's worth taking a look at Tasmanian soccer, courtesy of Walter Pless' site. We've talked about Walter's work before, so it seems kind of negligent not to have linked his site on here before in a permanent way. So there's one injustice rectified - it's a great site with an interesting community of mostly anonymous posters, and it affords a much needed dose of perspective.

Social Club Artefact Wednesdays - Soccer Australia flag

This was going to be the first 'object of interest', before I reneged and went instead for the 1966 West Adelaide pennant. This flag, with the classic Soccer Australia logo, was possibly flown over the grandstand or on one of the flagpoles at the lake end of Bob Jane Stadium during NSL matches, or perhaps during the few representative matches Australian sides played at Lakeside.

True story. I once saw an old lurid green Soccer Australia tracksuit jacket at Laverton Market. I did not buy it. I regret that decision every time I think about this flag. Same deal with a black Melbourne Zebras t-shirt which I could have had for $2. What was I thinking?

On a side note, dear Hestia, goddess of the 'hearth, architecture, and the right ordering of domesticity', when we do build our new social club, please make it the first order of business that we get some better carpet.

Social Club Artefact Wednesday - 3AW ads on cassette

Another shoddy photo. I found a whole bunch of these audio cassettes in what was ostensibly the social club's 'multimedia room', which also doubled up as a bit of random storage space, where several things were dumped and then pretty much forgotten about.

For the uninitiated, this room was reached through the door that was to the side of the projector screen, next to the 'stage'.

Digression - there's always one
On a side note, one of the things I find in that room was some kind of IKEA-esque foosball table, in that one had to assemble it with one of those dinky Allen keys. Of course during our 'downtime' while packing away the social club stuff, me and Steve from Broady did assemble it - I was seriously surprised that it actually had most of its parts, because the box it came in was completely fucked - and we ended up playing several games.  Now I'm no crack foosball player, but I kicked Steve from Broady's arse every single time, principally because of my decree that we play by 'foosball gentleman's rules' that is, not allowing seven year old style spinning maneuvers.

I think the table ended up in our players' locker room during the late stages of the Gus Tsolakis era. I have been told that the players quickly lost the balls that came with it, and when Chris Taylor came in, his hardline approach to fun meant that the table ended up getting thrown out of the change rooms. In the end, it was probably for the best that it ended that way, but I'm kinda annoyed at myself now that I didn't take any photos of the little table that love built.

Back to the main show
Curious to find out what content these cassettes had on them - there were no dates to denote what era they were from - I managed to find a battered radio with a cassette player, plug it into one of the available wall sockets hoping not to fry myself and burn the whole joint down, put one of the cassettes in and pressed 'play'.

As best as I can remember, rather than anything revolutionary, they were simply ads promoting our next home game, backed by Frozen Tears' South Melbourne theme song. If memory serves me correct, they were from around the 1998/99 season. Functional kind of work, but an interesting one for historians of the game, especially those people interested in the marketing used by clubs during the NSL era.

South Melbourne 4 Clifton Hill 2 - Low key pre-season friendly

Highlight was Steve From Broady running the line.

Steve From Broady reviews Sir Alex Ferguson's "My Autobiography"

Firstly, this is no joke I actually read a book. FREAKY, I know.

Anyway as an Arsenal fan I have despised Mr Ferguson for the past 10 years, but when he announced his shock retirement at the end of last season you did have to stand there and applaud the great man's achievements tracking all the way back to his days at Aberdeen where he won three Scottish leagues, four cups and a league cup. He also lead them to some European glory winning the UEFA Cup in the 1982-83 season.

It was with all that Mr Ferguson got a chance to manage Manchester United. It was a tough start to his time at United not winning silverware in his first few years. In the book Sir Alex goes into depth about how hard his first few years at the club were. But when the old first division was re-branded, this was when Sir Alex struck, winning the league in the first season in the Premier League.

It was at this time Sir Alex brought in heaps of big names to the club. In his book he had a crack at Roy Keane which was a bit of a surprise, and Keane hit back later saying the book is full of lies and that Ferguson was just trying to sell books. My favourite part of the rest of the book was when Ferguson ripped into our own Mark Bosnich, calling him the most unprofessional player he has ever seen.

At my young age it's hard to watch Bosnich now on Fox Sports and see the guy he was described as back then. There was a classic story of when the Man United team was on the bus home after a disappointing result, and Mark was ordering the whole shop over the phone at a Chinese Restaurant to be delivered to the bus stop.

In 1999 Man United played in the first ever club World Cup. Unlike South Melbourne, Sir Alex thought this tournament was a waste of time and that being forced to participate cost them an FA Cup. Overall this was a good book and since I don't plan on reading another book for a few years I will give it five stars.

Off-Season Digressions - Boxing Day Test Match

After the pleasant surprise that was our baseball adventure, and still needing things to do during off-season, I decided to take up the opportunity and recommendation to finally make my debut at a test cricket match. You may recall that my live in the flesh cricket experiences are quite limited - the most notable example being the descent into Dante's cricketing hell that was this entry from February 2013.

I had been told that test cricket was different, and that I should go at least once to make a fair comparison. Then again, I keep getting told to go to A-League matches in order to make valid sociological statements based on 'actual experience' rather than whatever it is people think I'm relying on, but as I've said many times before, I've been there and done that, so I don't really see what the point is.

The first problem seems to be this. It's an event with a possible length of five days, so which day do you choose to go to? The first day, with all the sheeple who are there as much due to social convention as for the contest itself? Day two or three where the contest may or may not be still in the balance? Day four where one team has gained the ascendancy and is striving for the kill? Day five where, depending on the previous four days, the result may be decided in the first hour or peter out in a draw?

So therefore, do you go to one day, or every day? If you only go to one day, you miss out on most of the contest, which just seems like a bizarre thing to do. If you go to several days, the cost - unless you're an MCC member who brings their own lunch - ramps up considerably. At $24 for a concession ticket and $40 for an adult for the cheapest seats, and who knows how much food and drink you'll buy over the course of the seven hour day, a full suite of test match cricket attendance is a very expensive endeavour to undertake

Day 1
Stayed home. Watched some bits on TV, listened to a bit on the radio. Doesn't seem like I missed much.

Day 2

Day 2, looking from the Great Southern Stand across to the
Ponsford and Members stands. Photo: Paul Mavroudis

The plan had been for me and Gains (a first time cricket attendee) to meet Steve from Broady and his cousin Johnny in the Southern Stand. Turned out it was all allocated seating however, and besides that Steve was in the Ponsford anyway.

The first thing I noticed was that Bay 13 people were over at the bottom deck of the Punt Road End, thus we had an OK view of their antics, and the ability to see patrons gradually being tossed, some more forcibly than others. Unlike my trip in February, it was a lot harder to see what was going on exactly.

What it means also is that the crowd around us was also a lot more civilised, which is an entirely different thing from being sanitised. They watched the game, were generally appreciative of what was another very boring and slow day of test cricket. As slow as Chris Rogers was, at least he scored some runs. I'm not quite sure what George Bailey was seeking to accomplish with his approach.

George Bailey should be made to pay the 8k fine for spectators trespassing onto the arena.
— Paul Mavroudis (@PaulMavroudis) December 27, 2013

That post really should have got a few more re-tweets.

After tea we went over to meet Steve in the Ponsford, who'd informed me that he hadn't has his bag checked as he came in, among catching me up with all sorts of other gossip, include the Victory-Wanderers brawl in the city. At least now having a smart phone and a plan to go with it (thank you scholarship) meant I could keep up with events on Twitter. Eventually the day petered out into an Australian batting collapse and the decision being made to come back again the next day. I'm not sure how much Gains was enamoured by the experience. I think I liked the baseball more.

Day 3
A nightmare public transport run into town due to massive signal failures on the Werribee line was alleviated by my old man giving me a lift into the city. At Flinders Street Station while waiting for Steve to get out of Boost Juice, I met Julian, one of my PhD coursework unit classmates, and so we discussed our respective works.

Eventually we got to the ground late, and missed Brad Haddin notch up his fifty, thought at least we were able to watch it via some kid in the line, who had it streaming on his phone.

Day 3, looking from the Ponsford stand across to the
Olympic and Southern stands. Photo: Paul Mavroudis

Inside the ground we ended up at the top of the Ponsford again. This time it was England's turn to put in a tedious batting effort. That tedium also included a spineless burst were they lost four wickets for not very much. Early in the day, there was a 'justice for the 96' banner in the sparsely populated top deck of Southern Stand which was next to the new scoreboards, unfortunately too far away to take a proper photo of. The police and security quickly stepped in to get it taken down, though from our admittedly distant vantage point, it didn't look like it was a willing acquiescence from the English patrons.

By the way, those new, larger scoreboards are indeed fantastic and wonderful. However, there is a caveat. Their size now means that the protective framing around them, as well as the railings from the Southern Stand, mean that from certain viewing spots, they are obscured by very large pieces of metal. Not a problem sitting where we were on days 3 and 4, but on day 2 while sitting in the top deck of the Southern Stand (in what would normally be a good viewing position) it was obvious that someone hadn't really thought it through.

Day 4 - A lot of waiting, and an early finish.
Unlike the previous day, we managed to get to MCG early, and into the line outside the Ponsford stand ticket booth by 10:05. Finally got our tickets at 10:45. Forty minutes. The lines were absurd, but were made much worse by the dithering of so many patrons who would rather spend an eternity selecting where they would like to sit, rather than just being happy enough to take the first option and actually getting inside and watching the damn game.

When me and Steve finally got to the front of our line, I was prepared with exact money, proof of concession, my order and was ready to get out of there as quickly as possible. But no, the ticket seller had to keep asking me what I wanted - did I want to be in the sun, did I want to be in an aisle seat. Like I gave a stuff about an aisle seat! Tedious transaction dealt with, and already 25 minutes of play missed, at least we had the small time saving grace of Steve once again managing to get in without a bag check.

Once in the ground, we all had to deal with the fact that England's captain Alistair Cook seemed to have no understanding of the concept of the third man fielding position. And thus Chris Rogers - who earlier in the test had made a torturous innings of 60 odd - was able to cut deliveries repeatedly to that boundary. Since I don't have as much invested from an emotional standpoint in the fortunes of Australia's cricket team, and had a more old fashioned desire to see a good contest, I was disappointed by this elementary lack of competency. But that's sport for you.

Lunch time saw more lines. More lines! My goodness. For some reason whoever runs the MCG felt that they didn't need to open almost any food outlets on the top deck despite the very healthy crowd. After seeing that the only food outlet on the top of the Ponsford stand had a line a mile long, it was decided that we would walk around to the more sparsely populated Southern Stand to see if anything was open there. It was not. It was appalling organisation and all to save a couple of bucks on wages.

After standing in line at the only open canteen booth on the wrong side of the MCC gate tracks, it was obvious that of the two main options - chicken schnitzel roll or pork bun (not the steamed Asian dish, but rather a pork patty in a roll) it was obvious that everyone was waiting to get a schnitzel roll. Being far too hungry to give a damn about waiting for the chicken option, I decided to take the a pork bun off the shelf (the boxes being identical except for a handy little sticker saying 'pork bun' on them) and be done with it.

Of course, back at my seat upon opening the package, it was of course a chicken schnitzel roll, which is what I wanted in the first place, though of course not what I had expected. I had had the reverse happen to me at the footy once, so I suppose this was a kind of karma. Bad luck though for all the people who forked out $10(!) for either option and ended up with something they didn't like.

The match, which I had expected to possibly go into a fifth day due to the very slow run rate of almost the entirety of the previous three days didn't even manage to get to tea, with the main thrill being Shane Watson again not managing to reach his hundred, albeit this time because there weren't enough runs left for him to be able to do so. Quite why we stayed for the speeches and man of the match awards I'm not sure.

Day 5
Stayed home and watched the NFL on TV. Too bad the first two games were largely inconsequential and lousy (should at least have had the Bears-Packers game), but at there was no avoiding the Cowboys-Eagles game.

The Barmy Army
Sure their team has sucked these past couple of months, which has possibly thinned out their numbers and consequently their enthusiasm over the course of the tour, but I still don't see what the fuss is all about. Throughout most of the three days I spent at the game, they were pretty much a non-entity, providing not much more atmosphere than other parts of the ground. The end of day 2 I think it was they managed a very long period of chanting, as the cool breeze came through and their side was in the ascendancy. But one gets the feeling that a lot of the hype about them is due to the novelty to mainstream Australian audiences of a group like that even bothering to sing. Seems like pretty standard European football behaviour for me. Still, they did better than the Mexican waves and 'you are a wanker' fare of the relocated Bay 13. It is what it is.

Verdict
Do you like cricket? If you only want to to turn up to one day, it doesn't really matter. If you want to go to more than one day, surely there's better things you can be doing.

Test match cricket - despite the six hours of 'value' you get - is a very expensive hobby if you want to go to more than one day, unless you have an MCC membership, in which case cost doesn't really come into it. And if you have an MCC membership and you don't go, you're probably one of those people who I despise who have an MCC membership primarily or only for AFL matches - why not just get an AFL or club membership then?

You're probably better off just inviting your mates over to your place with a slab or two, maybe have a barbecue, set up the TV somewhere suitable. How much of the game will you actually watch? I suppose it depends on how many drinks you have, how many toilet breaks, how many any number of variables, including if you're there more for the social aspect than the game. If you don't have a slightly elevated seat over the bowlers arm or behind the keeper and first slip, how much can you perceive the ball swinging or spinning?

Admittedly this problem is magnified for me due to my atrocious eyesight, being  barely able to make out the ball at all from the pace bowlers, and therefore depending more on the reactions of the batsmen - that auditory quality I mentioned.

After having my cynicism undermined by the baseball experience, I had it rekindled by this one, not so much that I would never go again, but now with a whole arsenal of reasons at hand as to why one wouldn't.

Off-Season Digressions - Melbourne Aces vs Sydney Blue Sox/Baseball

Proudly brought to you by Penola Catholic College - where 1 part Catholic education meets 99 parts Broadmeadows stupidity.

How boring is the off-season? Yes there's a lot of politics and transfer rumours and uncertainty. And yes, we managed to get out to one meaningless pre-season game featuring the 21s and Selangor. But until things started gradually ramping up when everyone gets back from their holidays in January, there really isn't very much to do. So we decided, for whatever reason, to go to the baseball. Steve from Broady managed to get some free tickets (I don't think they're really that expensive anyway) from one of his contacts at Penola, and me and Gains joined him.

Part of my reasoning for going to the baseball (apart from my usual gimmick sport summer experience) was that as a western suburbs lad, I've driven past the Melbourne Ballpark in Laverton so many times, and never gone in, never seen what it looks like from the inside. It's always seemed to be just a white elephant sitting in the middle of nowhere next to the train line, an unusual landmark visible on your left as you take the shortcut to Merton Street from Kororoit Creek Road, or a little less convenient if the underpass is flooded and you're forced to use the freeway.

The view from along the third base line. The two scoreboards
can be seen in the distance. Photo: Paul Mavroudis

Parking sets me back $5, which is a bit pricey but who's complaining when you get free entry? The venue itself is functional without being anything fancy. The seating - which is limited to the areas behind the plate, and along most of the first and third baselines - is all elevated, with the exception of those areas at the bottom for the corporates. The elevation and hence the sight-lines and viewing angles are quite good, but the protective nets can be annoying, especially as they can make viewing the small electronic scoreboard difficult.

Looking across towards Melbourne Ballpark's 'premium' seating.
Photo: Paul Mavroudis.

Disappointingly, and for reasons which I can't figure out, the roof only extends to those seats behind the plate, those classed as premium seats. The seats themselves seem to be your standard MCG/Great Southern Stand variety, which as has been pointed out by one of our Twitter friends, were the same as used for the old BJS, Knights Stadium, Heidelberg, Preston, etc. So, if you do for some reason end up heading out to a game at Laverton, and aren't willing to stump the extra few dollars for a premium seat, bring your sunscreen, hat and an umbrella, in preparation for whatever Melbourne's weather throws up.

The game
Of course, rocking up to an Australian Baseball league fixture one is well aware that you will not be seeing the creme de la creme of baseball talent. But as an Australian soccer fan who largely ignores what happens above outside our shores, that doesn't really phase me. The teams seem to be made up of some locals (obviously), as well Americans and Japanese dropped down from the major (maybe even minor) leagues for some extra game/development time during the off-season.

Baseball is a weird game in an Australian context. It's been here for a long time, and the Claxton Shield has been played for 100 years in one form or another. While never a really popular spectator sport as far as I can tell, it did have a niche carved out for itself as a participant sport, especially for cricketers in their off-season, with Bill Lawry in particular extolling the virtues of cricketers taking up baseball in their off-season. There was also of course the old Australian Baseball League which went broke in the mid 1990s or whenever it was. These days the ABL seems to be largely funded by Major League Baseball, who presumably benefit from having a low pressure development league in their off-season, as well as being able to tap into the Australian baseball talent pool, which has provided its fair share of exports down the years.

Like cricket, if you're not on the correct angle, it can be difficult to discern the movement of the pitches. Eventually and rather quickly, once you start getting a feel for it you can be pretty sure about whether a pitch was a ball or a strike, but you won't necessarily be able to tell how the ball is moving through the air. However, perhaps this is at least partly due to my very poor eyesight. Like ice hockey and cricket, there is an auditory quality to the game that is present at a live fixture in ways that would be absent on TV. In cricket's case, it's the crack of willow on leather; in ice hockey, the skates on the ice, and the crashing of players into the glass walls; in baseball, it's the smack of the ball into the catcher's glove.

Some of the outfield play left a bit to be desired. the Aces' left-fielder in particular had a bit of a shocker, but according to one of the more knowledgeable fans there, that wasn't his regular position. There didn't appear to be much depth in the pitching stocks for either side, but especially the visitors. A small roster and being the final game of a four game series probably didn't help, as the Aces' managed a late rally with three runs in the bottom of the seventh inning to turn a 2-1 deficit into a 4-2 lead going into the eighth, eventually winning 4-3.

There were of course American accents, and an American flavour to many of the day's proceedings, from the announcements, to the food (see below), to the presentation style. Normally I'd find that kind of thing really off-putting, but the fringe nature of the experience - like they were Christian missionaries in the remotest parts of Darkest Africa - made it seem less gimmicky than the equivalent Melbourne ice hockey experience (albeit I've only had the national team experience there, not the Ice or Mustangs just yet), and I've also never been to a local basteball game to make a valid comparison there either.

The fact that the crowd was very small - I'd say no more than 300 outside of the corporate areas - also gave it a quaint sort of vibe. With an already limited appeal for all sorts of reasons (standard, location, lack of media, cultural obscurity, unfavourable comparisons to cricket), it must also be hard competing directly against the local suburban competitions which run at the same time.

Women In Sport Day
No other sport does pointless fan gimmickry quite like baseball. Of course, in Major League Baseball there's 160 odd games each team has to play, so a crowded schedule means having to find all sorts of ways to get people in off the street, especially if your team ain't doing too well.  At the Aces for example, there's a tradie's day, AFL day, bring your dog to the game day, etc. Two weeks prior to our visit, the Saturday doubleheader was apparently the multicultural/diversity day, during which I believe there was going to be ethnic dancing - how I miss ethnic dancing at Australian sporting contests. Those were the days.

Anyway, the main slant of trying to promote women in sport was the attempt to raise some funds to get the women's softball team to Japan for the world championships or some such endeavour. To that end, they tried auctioning off some Aces' jerseys and signed bats - none of which did very well. There was also money donated when one of the softball girls did the worm from in front of the pitcher's mound to home plate. It kinda made me feel ill seeing female athletes have to beg like that. There was also a tug of war and some kind of bowling pin hitting activity. All pretty low rent, but kinda charming in its own sincere way.

This is where Steve from Broady's food report was supposed to go
Since he had the most food of all of us that day - and used trips to the canteen as an excuse to not watch a game he was obviously not enjoying - I had delegated the task of reviewing the food at Melbourne Ballpark to Steve. Unfortunately, he has failed to come through on this front, so it's up to me to give you the rundown.

The range of food at the venue is pretty ordinary. It's the usual dim sims, hot dogs, chips arrangement, at slightly less extortionist than normal stadium prices. The main difference to your run of the mill stadium food was the fact that, thanks to a recent sponsorship deal with Hormel Foods, for an extra $1 you had the option of adding some Stagg Chili to your chips or hot dog. I decided to pass on that front. Perhaps the most worthwhile item, even at a slightly exorbitant $8 considering the serving size, were the nachos, which were actually pretty good.

Former South fan watch
We managed to spot the ex-SMFC fan known as Strauchnie sitting in the premium seats. Small world and all that.

Would I do it again?
I wouldn't say no. I'll say this - I enjoyed it a lot more than my experience of one day cricket. I can see how drinking would help enhance the experience of watching the game, especially if you were going to watch a double header, but it's hardly necessary. It was a genuinely relaxed day out, with very low expectations, and I actually kinda had fun.

I have the theory that some games are better experienced live in the flesh, some better on TV, and some even work best on radio (especially cricket). For me, baseball is dead boring to watch on TV, would probably work in the background on radio ala cricket, but is a perfectly adequate game watched live - provided you have a decent seat and a couple of mates to talk crap with for three hours.